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LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 
ON LOVE AND HEALTH 



















/ 



LETTERS TO A YOUNG 
MAN ON LOVE AND 
HEALTH 


BY 

WALTER M. (^ALLICHAN 

Author of “The Psychology of Marriage” 

“ A Textbook of Sex Education 
“The Great Unmarried ” 



NEW YORK 

FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 

C o ^ ' i 






Copyright, 1920, by 
Frederick A. Stokes Company 

All rights reserved. 


.) A 4 


AUG 27 I92U 

©CI.A576195 



NOTE 


The Author invites the correspondence and in¬ 
quiries of readers of these “Letters.” 

Oakdene, Meadway, 

Gidea Park, Romford, 

England. 


* 


LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 
ON LOVE AND HEALTH 



LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN ON 
LOVE AND HEALTH 


FIRST LETTER 

My dear Leonard,—I am very pleased that 
you have asked me several important and con¬ 
fidential questions. It shows that we are “real 
pals,” and that you do not regard me, as I did my 
uncles, as very old and aloof from the desires, 
emotions and problems of a young man. When 
we went camping out together in Wales, I was 
somewhat afraid that you might find me an oldish 
fogey, and as “tedious” as Polonius was to Ham¬ 
let. But, as a matter of fact, we were like a 
couple of lads, and I am rather vain when I re¬ 
member that I was no more “done” than you 
after that long tramp over Cader Idris from Dol- 
gelley to Towyn. 

I think one of the chief compensations for get¬ 
ting on in years is in helping those who are in an 
early stage of life’s journey. We who have been 
on the road for so long must have picked up all 
sorts of experience, and gathered varied informa¬ 
tion. I look back to-night, and see you just 
where I was—at the sixteenth milestone—many 
years ago. You have sat down by the dusty 
highroad, a little tired and rather puzzled, and 
feeling somewhat lonely. 


2 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


Naturally, I have learned some things that will 
be helpful to you. But I want you to under¬ 
stand clearly that I am still learning, and that 
I hope to go on learning till I reach the last 
stage. And I would like to say that I don’t 
wish to dogmatize, nor to profess that mine is 
the only, or the perfect, point of view. I can 
merely tell you what I have learned through 
“trial and error”— i.e. experience and experi¬ 
ment—through observation of human nature, 
through wide reading, considerable reflection, 
and criticism of my own opinions. There are no 
cheap, ready-made answers to the enigmas of 
life. We have to work out our own theories, 
often in storm and stress, and sometimes in an 
encompassing darkness. Many of the ancient 
maxims fail us when we put them to the severe 
test of individual experience. 

It is absurd to say to all men, “Eat nothing 
but bread and cheese.” Yet that is what we say, 
in effect, when we attempt to advise in the con¬ 
duct of the erotic or sexual life. Broadly speak¬ 
ing, we have to adapt our conduct to the moral 
code of the community in which we live, and, no 
matter how powerful our inclinations may be, 
constant repression is enforced by religious be¬ 
liefs, by public opinion and by social custom. 
All control that tends to social good is necessary 
and commendable. In the domain of our sex 
life our actions gravely concern the well-being, 
the health and the happiness of others. The re¬ 
straint and the direction of the fundamental and 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 3 

imperious desires constitute one of the greatest 
problems of human existence. 

I judge by the general drift of your letter 
that you are conscious of the meaning of the 
vague unrest and the ill-defined longings which 
are normal at your age. You know now that 
a young man’s “thoughts of love” are as per¬ 
fectly natural as the phases of the moon, the flow 
and ebb of the tides, and the awakening of 
nature with “ever-returning spring.” 

What puzzles you is, I think, the too prevalent 
attitude of mind concerning these impulses and 
yearnings. I often regret very keenly, for both 
of our sakes, that your mother died when you 
were an infant. She was so refined and sane- 
minded, and so deeply sympathetic; and I am 
sure that she would have brought you up with a 
clear vision and a true appreciation of this most 
wonderful phenomenon of life. I can but keep 
my promise to her that I would be a friend to 
you, and help you in all that I can, though I 
know how much more helpful she would have 
been in the shaping of your mind. 

You were left to the care of servants and 
teachers before you went to college. This 
means that all your very earliest impressions 
were derived from strangers, and that you 
learned haphazard many things which only par¬ 
ents should impart; while there were important 
matters that never entered into your home nur¬ 
ture and school training. 

Your remarks about “our degraded human na- 


4 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


ture,” “the low passions,” and the “animal ap¬ 
petites” prove to me that you have imbibed the 
too common views upon the life-force. Nat¬ 
urally implanted desires are not “degraded” or 
“low.” They may become so through ignorance, 
a wrong outlook, vicious practices and morbidity. 
The emotion that unites men and women, leads 
to family life, love of children, self-sacrifice, 
moral discipline and the socialized community is 
sex love; and this force is only remotely com¬ 
parable with the “animal appetite” of the organ¬ 
isms below mankind. 

We have no evidence that even the higher 
mammals and the birds ever think about love. 
They are automatically impelled to union at cer¬ 
tain seasons by physical impulses. At other sea¬ 
sons it is extremely probable, if not certain, that 
sexual emotion is entirely submerged and for¬ 
gotten. With man, love is a thousandfold more 
massive. It assumes many guises and has many 
manifestations. The passion may make one man 
a marvelous artist, another a philanthropist, a 
third a saint, and a fourth a devoted lover and 
tender-hearted husband and father. 

All human desires may degenerate and become 
degraded, low and brutish. Unfortunately, in 
our recoil against vice, abnormality, excess and 
uncleanness, we have fallen into the lamentable 
error of blaming normal propensities and acts 
as being themselves wrong, unassthetic or con¬ 
temptible. 

It is not our natural desires that are wrong. 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


5 


We blaspheme Nature in saying so. What is 
wrong is our method of appeasing the desires to 
the injury of ourselves and others. It is cer¬ 
tainly not immoral to be hungry, but greediness 
is a highly unpleasant quality. It is wrong for 
me to satisfy my hunger by snatching food from 
one who is more hungry than myself. But no 
one supposes that hunger is a vicious desire. 

I want to impress upon you that revulsion 
from sex passion is morbid and injurious. It 
creates an utterly erroneous standard of moral 
values, and darkens the perceptions in regard to 
the greatest facts of life. We are born of de¬ 
sire. The purest mother who folds her babe in 
her arms has experienced the emotion that Na¬ 
ture implants in humanity. I am quite sure that 
your mother loved, and therefore desired, your 
father as her true mate. You are the child of 
a love match in the best sense; and when I say 
this I hope I have satisfied you that the yearning 
of the sexes for one another is something of 
much higher significance than simple physical 
impulse and its gratification. In the case of 
your parents the union was very beautiful in¬ 
deed. Their love for each other flowed out to 
you, and not only caused them to cherish their 
child, but aroused in them a love for humanity. 
They lived really because they loved truly. “He 
who loves not lives not.” 

I am quite able to understand your present 
position. I was a long time passing through the 
process of correcting the false opinions of well- 


6 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


meaning, but ignorant, persons, and counteract¬ 
ing the vulgarities and indecencies of common 
minds at school and in the world at large. At 
home I learned that sex was a forbidden and un¬ 
clean topic. At boarding-school I found that 
this topic was discussed daily as a source of 
“fun.” Beyond vague warnings against “im¬ 
purity,” I had no sound and grave admonition or 
instruction. My natural questions at home 
were peremptorily silenced. At school they 
aroused low jokes, stupid stories, indecent 
rhymes, entirely misleading statements and sheer 
lies—all of which intensified the view that every¬ 
thing appertaining to sexual love and reproduc¬ 
tion was improper but comic. Such is the 
“sexual education” of tens of thousands—prob¬ 
ably the vast majority of our compatriots! Can 
we wonder that so many are ignorant and flip¬ 
pant throughout their whole lives; that a multi¬ 
tude of men become contaminated by disease due 
to sexual promiscuity; that seduction is common, 
prostitution rampant, marriage too often a verit¬ 
able “tomb of love,” and parentage an irrespon¬ 
sible action of purblind people. 

The shielding at home from “unnecessary 
knowledge” actually exposes us to the very worst 
influences when we go into the world. Our 
minds are curious concerning the origin of our 
lives very soon after we begin to reflect. Every 
little child’s thoughts turn quite normally at some 
time or another to this enigma, and give rise to 
speculations quite unsuspected by parents. This 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


7 


stage is succeeded by a period of comparative 
apathy. The boy or girl is interested in games, 
school life and the beginnings of education. But 
at fourteen, when bodily changes become marked, 
the mind reverts to the subject of sex. The pre¬ 
occupation may be deep or slight, or it may be 
scarcely manifest. But there is always an awak¬ 
ening of new emotions, an arousing of unfamiliar 
feelings, a restlessness, and often a vague melan¬ 
choly. 

Infancy, childhood and adolescence are the 
three opening stages of our life’s journey. You 
are now nearing the adult age. It is a wonder¬ 
ful time of life. The psyche, or soul, is awaken¬ 
ing in you. You are not precocious; indeed 
you seem to develop somewhat slowly. This is 
not a misfortune, for there is truth in the Italian 
adage: “He who goes slow goes far.” 

To your first question I have given a brief but 
explicit answer: I certainly do not regard sex 
as “low,” or in any sense an “improper” subject 
of inquiry. On the contrary, for a young man 
of your age, it is a matter of stupendous impor¬ 
tance. One may lead a healthy, useful life with¬ 
out a knowledge of Greek or Euclid. But with¬ 
out some knowledge of sex hygiene, sex psychol¬ 
ogy and the reproductive process in man the 
chances of leading a healthy, moral and useful 
life as a celibate, a lover, a husband, a father and 
a citizen are very considerably reduced. 

Sooner or later we are all of us brought up 
against the problems of sex in our own lives, 


8 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


in those of our friends and intimates, in public 
life, and in questions of national and racial prog¬ 
ress. Even when we imagine that sex prob¬ 
lems do not exist for us, we may be actually 
dominated, or positively menaced, by emotions, 
desires, repressions, impulses and thoughts, 
which we entirely dissociate from the erotic life. 

You bear within you the most tremendous 
force known to humanity. What will you do 
with it ? It may make you or wreck you. There 
is not a true philosopher, sage, poet, saint or re¬ 
former who has not appreciated the vast import 
and sway of this passion. Give no heed to those 
who tell you that love is “just a detail of human 
life,” and that sex is something entirely guided 
by “instinct.” I warn you that such counsellors 
sow briars and place obstructions in your path. 
Keep your mind fresh and wholesome, and get 
knowledge from pure springs. Never listen to 
the prudish nor the prurient. Both prudery and 
prurience are morbid and harmful. 

Your second question is in effect, “Should we 
live down our desires, or should we sow wild 
oats?” The immediate and final reply of a nega¬ 
tive morality would be a decided pronouncement 
against the sowing of wild oats, and absolute ap¬ 
proval of the complete suppression of desire. It 
is always much easier to say “Thou shalt not” 
than to adduce soundly convincing reasons why 
one should not commit certain acts. I should 
be a “hedger” and “trimmer” if I caused you to 
think that I believe all the traditional morality 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


9 


in sex questions, and all the common conventions, 
are actually moral, sound and practicable. 

A part of our code is not moral. I shall have 
to refer to this in another letter. But in regard 
to chastity and purity, I may say here that these 
words are often misused. 

True chastity is not only purity of living, it 
is cleanness in thought. Chastity is an attitude 
of mind as well as an active practice of restraint 
upon unruly desire. I have known unclean- 
minded, profane-speaking men and women whose 
sex conduct might be described as perfectly con¬ 
tinent, but whose thoughts upon sex love were 
unwholesome, even degraded. I cannot admit 
that those who could speak contemptuously or 
jestingly about the pure passion that united your 
father and mother are in any sense pure-minded, 
and I could not call them chaste at heart. 

When many people refer to a man as “a moral 
liver,” they mean that he is not addicted to sen¬ 
sual dissipation, or irregularity in sexual con¬ 
duct. “Immorality” has been narrowed almost 
to one interpretation. This has caused con¬ 
siderable error in forming estimates of character 
and behavior. Hosts of men are esteemed as 
moral because they have not been known to in¬ 
fringe the code of sexual virtue by pre-matri- 
monial indulgences or by adultery. But, in the 
broadest sense, many of these men are not ex¬ 
amples of morality and fine conduct. Some are 
dishonest, or habitual liars; some are cruel, 
tyrannous towards those who serve them, unfeel- 


10 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


ing in family life, or grossly selfish. Others are 
mercenary, grasping and unscrupulous in business 
affairs, and others again are little above the 
animals in mental characteristics, and are quite 
neglectful of culture, through idleness and a lack 
of the social spirit, and no desire to help others 
by spreading sound knowledge. 

I do not wish you to think that chastity is a 
minor virtue. It is one of the supreme moralities. 
The man who is not passion’s slave is heroic. 
There is not the least doubt that continent living 
is frequently the severest ordeal in a young man’s 
life. I, who have been through many fires of 
temptation, assure you, my dear lad, that modern 
life in the big cities of civilized nations exposes 
all youths to grave perils. It is useless to pre¬ 
tend that the preservation of personal chastity 
is an easy matter for many ardent men. Tem¬ 
peraments vary greatly, and what is easy for one 
man is extremely arduous and difficult for an¬ 
other. Many of the noblest of men have testi¬ 
fied that resistance to unruly desires has needed 
constant guard upon thought and impulse. 

The truly chaste are not prudish. They 
frankly accept Nature’s scheme, and have no 
morbid shame for natural processes. A whole¬ 
some attitude of mind to the subject of sex is 
one test of a man’s innate purity. Many are 
chaste in the physical sense, but not chaste in 
thought and speech. In a little book that I 
have read lately, Youth and Sex, Mr. F. Arthur 
Sibly has some sensible remarks upon the habit 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


11 


of jesting over sex relations with which I thor¬ 
oughly agree. He says that there can be no 
real reverence for purity in the minds of those 
who are addicted to “coarse and ribald talk.” I 
fear that the chaste attitude of thought is very 
rare. The influence of indecent speech upon 
sex makes for widespread unchastity in acts . 
We must be in earnest about the passion of love. 
The mockers and jesters poison thought about 
the great emotion that always uplifts humanity, 
when rightly understood and respected. 

The profanement of sex through vulgar joking 
and ribaldry makes the preservation of chastity 
more difficult for a young man. When his as¬ 
sociates are irreverent and flippant, he is likely 
to be influenced by their example. Not wishing 
to be thought a “milksop,” he may imitate his 
companions and become obscene-minded. You 
know that I dislike prudery and namby-pamby- 
ism; but I am sure that real manliness is ex¬ 
pressed by a clean way of thinking and speaking 
upon sex matters, and a disgust for indecency. 

Morality is chiefly an exercise of repression. 
We have to repress many of our strongest wishes 
for the good of ourselves and society. Repres¬ 
sion of the sexual impulse is easier when the im¬ 
pulse is kept in the background of our minds. A 
wholesome curiosity is natural to all youths; but 
this desire for knowledge must be satisfied by 
means that do not stimulate desires that cannot 
be fulfilled without injury to self and others. 

Therefore, avoid the company of those who 


12 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


talk disrespectfully, ignorantly and coarsely 
about sex. Converse with high-minded persons 
who have poetry in their souls, an idealistic 
estimate of love, and a deep sense of responsi¬ 
bility in all matters of sexual conduct. You 
have thoughts and dreams of love, like all normal 
young men of your temperament. Let these 
thoughts be an inspiration, and an incentive to 
right living, and so prepare yourself mentally 
and physically for marriage and fatherhood. 
Keep the mind busy with study or hobbies, and 
use your muscles continually in healthful games 
in order to develop both the brain and the body 
harmoniously. The more you are occupied, phy¬ 
sically and mentally, the more easy will be the 
effort of control. 

Cultivate a love of beautiful things, and you 
will be less likely to commit ugly sins and vices. 
Honor women and remember that you will one 
day crave above all else the love and companion¬ 
ship of a wife who will embody your ideal of 
feminine purity and virtue. 

Young women are mostly as young men wish 
them to be. Almost all the conventions are the 
outcome of masculine prejudice, desire and 
example. If the male standard is low, the fe¬ 
male conduct is apt to sink to the male level. 
Men and women are two parts of the whole hu¬ 
manity. They are responsible to one another 
and dependent upon one another. 

My object in writing these letters to you is to 
be practical . In order to help you, I must speak 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


18 


candidly upon matters in which reserve, half- 
truths, evasions and prudery are not only inade¬ 
quate but positively harmful . I will try to give 
you the advice that I craved in vain for many 
long years of childhood, youth and early man¬ 
hood. Like you, I had much admonition to 
“purity” and “chastity”; but no one explained 
these terms. No one told me the plain truths 
of the impulse of sex. No one gave me physi¬ 
ological or hygienic counsel as an aid to “straight 
living.” No one attempted to solve, in clean, 
reasonable language, the host of enigmas and 
problems that absorbed my mind during the tran¬ 
sition from childhood to manhood. Like the vast 
mass of boys in my time, I was misinformed by 
ignorant companions, chance acquaintances, 
casual reading, and my own hazy surmises and 
presuppositions. 

Before I grew to manhood I resolved that, if 
it lay in my power, I would instruct myself so 
that I might spare others some of the terrible 
doubts, the overwhelming bewilderments and the 
shocks which I experienced while groping my 
way to the light. If I can show you and your 
friends a safer and pleasanter way than the 
thorny, miry path that I traveled, I shall be 
rewarded for the hours of study and research 
that I have spent. 


SECOND LETTER 


My dear Lad, —It is very difficult to write 
about sex morality without appearing superior, 
priggish, or dogmatic, or repeating platitudes 
and copy-book maxims. There is the virile, 
manly chastity of a normal, ardent and energetic 
type of male, and the “chastity” that is associated 
with fear, prudery or extreme feebleness of the 
amorous emotion. Without impulse or tempta¬ 
tion there can be no true chastity. There is no 
merit in the honesty of the well-fed man who 
refrains from stealing food. There is no heroic 
resistance to temptation in the case of a man or 
woman lacking in sexual passion. 

May I repeat that my own view of sex purity 
is that true purity is essentially an attitude of the 
mind in a man of naturally strong feeling? The 
ascetics, who were often extremists, based their 
conduct on a wrong attitude to life, love and 
chastity. They feared their desires and despised 
the body that gave rise to these yearnings. They 
were frequently impure-minded persons who 
shrank from sex because their minds were las¬ 
civious and unbalanced. 

Any man who speaks of the wonderful and 
beautiful human body as “a vile fuliginous 
sink,” and of woman as “the gateway of hell,” is 
morbid and perverse. We know that many of 

14 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


15 


the illustrious anchorites were unclean in mind 
and body. Filthiness of the skin was esteemed 
as a fine instance of piety and spiritual purity. 
Neglect of the body and of health was com¬ 
mended as one of the principles of religion. We 
are the descendants of fanatics who associated 
sex with the bestial and the unclean. 

This attitude towards the human body and the 
erotic emotion has terribly complicated the 
moral problem in matters of sex. The enthusi¬ 
asts who neglected and mutilated their bodies, 
and pledged themselves to lifelong sexual absti¬ 
nence and sterility, set up an entirely false and 
pernicious standard. Contempt for the body 
cannot promote true purity of thought and con¬ 
duct. There is the plainest evidence that the 
most austere of the ascetics frequently lapsed 
into vices and perversities, or their defiance of 
natural laws brought penalties in disease of 
mind and body. Their example in unnatural 
and continuous denials had no real moral influ¬ 
ence upon the mass of men. 

The sacerdotal celibates of the finer type were 
sensible enough to recognize that the sexual in¬ 
stinct cannot possibly be eradicated, but that it 
may be used finely, controlled and sublimated; 
and they dissented from the fanaticism that 
sought to kill the very impulse that has made 
man a social and moral being. The wiser 
ascetics did not prescribe complete sexual absti¬ 
nence as an essential of lay piety. Realizing the 
potency of love, they took it into their keeping, 


16 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


and framed the canon laws that still control mar¬ 
riage in Christian countries. 

The ascetic celibate attitude to the sex pas¬ 
sion was a survival or a vestigial relic of the 
dread of savage people for the sexual impulse 
and its natural satisfactions. Almost univer¬ 
sally primitive man feared the love instinct as 
something dangerous. The traditional dread of 
the perils of the physical union of the sexes is 
still extant in many parts of the world. This 
superstition undoubtedly colors the moral sexual 
codes of civilized people of to-day. Many cen¬ 
turies are needed for the tedious process of shed¬ 
ding deep-seated prejudices from the mind. 

Respect for the body is a fundamental of true 
chastity. The clean mind has no recoil against 
sexual organs and functions. Disgust for nat¬ 
ural physical processes is morbid. The religious 
man who is affronted by that which God has de¬ 
signed is guilty of irreverence to his Deity. A 
pious Mohammedan writer thanks Allah for the 
sexual scheme of reproduction, realizing that the 
love of man and woman is the strongest moraliz¬ 
ing and socializing force in humanity. 

If we all started life with a healthy and sens¬ 
ible view of the love instinct, a veneration for 
the reproductive power, and esteem for the body, 
there would be much less sin, suffering and dis¬ 
ease among men and women. The amative pas¬ 
sion can be gratified finely, nobly and with spirit¬ 
ual gain, or it can be appeased basely, unsocially 
and with serious spiritual loss. 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


17 


As I wish entirely to be practical and helpful, 
I will leave generalizations, and try to form a 
workable ideal of sexual conduct for a young 
man. First, we must recognize that the erotic 
or love yearning often begins to manifest itself 
crudely and physically, in an automatic or spon¬ 
taneous manner, before love arises in the psyche 
(mind or spirit). This early arousing of in¬ 
stinct is often a bewildering problem for the 
child, and a much graver problem for the parents. 
It may occur in infants still in the cradle, and 
several such instances are recorded by medical 
observers. An irritation of the sex organs leads 
to handling, and the youngest child may quite 
unconsciously contract a habit of masturbation, 
or the practice sometimes described as “self- 
abuse.” 

The development of the sexual instinct at the 
age of puberty in the male sex seems to demon¬ 
strate that, in the early days of mankind, mar¬ 
riage in youth was the rule. As civilization ad¬ 
vanced, marriage was deferred, chiefly from 
economic or money reasons; but civilization by 
no means diminished the force of the mating im¬ 
pulse. From a social and moral point of view, 
it might be better for humanity if the love yearn¬ 
ing did not arise until the age when marriage is 
practicable. The great physiologist Metchni- 
koff regarded this early arousing of the instinct 
as a kind of natural disharmony. In whatever 
light we regard it, we have to recognize that boys 
from the age of fifteen, or even earlier, frequently 


18 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


experience sexual excitement, through the min¬ 
gling of certain stimulating fluids, or hormones 
with the blood stream. These hormones cause 
emotions and feelings that cannot be gratified 
in the normal and rightful way by marriage. 
The lad must restrain himself until he is in a 
position to maintain a wife and children. 

Now this discipline of restraint may be very 
stern in some cases. For some youths the 
struggle may be light, for others severe. This 
depends upon constitution, temperament and 
hereditary qualities. The conflict is made 
harder in the instance of the boy who has formed 
a habit of self-gratification in childhood. It is 
keener in the case of the youth who has few in¬ 
terests or pursuits than for his companion whose 
energy is used up in work or sport of an engross¬ 
ing character. The battle with this passion is 
made easier if the young man understands some 
of the important facts of his sexual or erotic 
nature. 

A youth should know that desires which arise 
spontaneously, or through the unavoidable stim¬ 
ulations of civilized life, are not sinful in them¬ 
selves . They may be recognized as vestigial 
impulses, or relics of the age when human pair¬ 
ing began soon after the onset of the first signs 
of manhood. They may be regarded also as 
Nature’s preliminary vague whispers of forces 
which will ultimately impel to courtship and mar¬ 
riage. To put the matter plainly, when a youth 
of sixteen experiences irritation or excitement of 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


19 


the organs of sex, the cause may be physical, 
arising from the body, or psychical, arising from 
the mind. It is within the power of a young man 
to diminish both forms of excitation. He should 
know that a distended bladder, through long re¬ 
tention of its contents, is apt to cause swelling 
of the virile organ when lying in bed, and that 
the tension is relieved by attending to evacuation. 
Here is a physical source of excitement which 
can be controlled and even avoided. 

I am convinced by long experience that an 
older man can only give effective help to a 
younger friend by plain, common-sense and prac¬ 
tical counsel. There must be clear, physiologi¬ 
cal speaking as well as moral advice. Another 
irritation causing sexual excitement is the result 
of uncleanness. In some cases the prepuce or 
foreskin which partly covers the vascular, sensi¬ 
tive part of the penis, is tight, and cannot be 
easily drawn back. The glans, or exposed 
mucous surface, is constantly discharging secre¬ 
tions, and these are likely to accumulate and 
harden beneath the prepuce. This accretion is 
called smegma. There are constant instances 
of such irritation existing until an advanced adult 
age. 

Unfortunately, a vast number of men have 
never been taught the simplest principles of sex¬ 
ual hygiene. Every young man should be aware 
that irritation, leading often to masturbation, fre¬ 
quently arises from this cause. The operation of 
circumcision removes the risk of such irritation. 


20 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


But in most cases all that is needful is the retrac¬ 
tion of the foreskin and daily ablution of the 
glans penis. It should be remembered that any 
itching of the external parts of generation is a 
sign of faulty hygiene, and that such itching is 
likely to induce sex excitement in the most 
morally minded man. 

Another cause of stimulation is undue heat of 
the body. Heavy bed coverings or too warm 
clothing may arouse sensual feeling. Friction 
of the garments with the sex organs is a fairly 
common cause of masturbation among boys. 
The clothes should not be allowed to irritate the 
parts. Overeating, especially indulgence in 
flesh foods, is likely to arouse desire and to com¬ 
plicate the struggle of repression. A highly 
spiced diet is not conducive to sexual control. 
Most condiments should be used very sparingly, 
or not at all, if the effort of repression is severe. 
Diet is an important matter. A growing lad 
requires plenty of nourishing food, but he should 
avoid stimulants. 

I do not intend to preach a sermon upon 
alcoholic intemperance. But I will give you a 
few scientific facts as to the effect of alcohol upon 
the sex passion. Wine is undoubtedly an aphro¬ 
disiac, or erotic stimulant. Used medicinally, in 
small doses, wine has been found helpful in cases 
of sexual weakness or impotence. This is a clear 
proof that alcohol has a sexually stimulating 
property. For this reason the combat of con¬ 
trolling the desires is intensified by indulgence in 


21 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 

drink. Without any fanatical zeal for total ab¬ 
stinence, I may point out that there is consider¬ 
able risk for some persons in even moderate in¬ 
dulgence. No stimulant reaches the brain and 
enters the blood so quickly as alcohol. A bottle 
of wine may seriously lessen the power of inhibi¬ 
tion in some men. Under even the mild influence 
of drink there may be a partial distortion of 
judgment and a semi-paralysis of the will. 

Every physician accustomed to treat sufferers 
from the diseases arising from prostitution will 
tell you that the majority of their patients admit 
that alcohol aroused the desire that resulted in 
infection. Every candid “man of the world” 
will confess that promiscuous sexual intercourse 
and alcoholic stimulation go together. A great 
number of courtesans affirm that they “went 
wrong” through slight intoxication. 

In youth and the vigor of manhood erotic 
desire needs no artificial fillip. It is usually very 
potent, and often troublesome. Is it wise for a 
young man of an ardent nature to heighten his 
already awakened impulse by a drug? There is 
not the least doubt that alcohol incites to the 
gratification of sexual appetite, diminishes con¬ 
trol in the continent, and sweeps like a destroying 
wave over the will of those who find restraint a 
difficult task. Heavy drinking not infrequently 
induces sexual impotence. Small doses of alco¬ 
hol excite, but long-continued free drinking often 
inhibits sex function. 

All things considered, the use of alcoholic 


22 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


beverages by adolescents cannot be recommended. 
A little light ale or light wine may not injure the 
active youth, but the strictest moderation should 
be observed, and drinking between meals avoided. 

To state the case briefly: alcoholic stimulation 
is apt to cause physical sensations and mental 
ideas that arouse sexual desire. Whenever con¬ 
tinence is necessary, wine should be consumed in 
the smallest quantities, or abstinence should be 
practiced. 

Genuine erotic inclination arises as a result of 
falling in love. The spiritual and the bodily 
elements are in their right proportion in the love 
of a man and woman capable of experiencing the 
true emotion. Casual, wayward and transient 
sensual longings are not to be regarded as evi¬ 
dence of affection or esteem for one of the op¬ 
posite sex. It is the idle, irresponsible gratifica¬ 
tion of such longings that inflicts a burden of 
evil and misery upon society. If civilized men 
and women recognized their social responsibility 
in the sex relationship there would be no illegiti¬ 
mate offspring, infanticide or prostitution, and 
fewer diseased persons, lunatics, criminals and 
mental defectives. It is not too much to say that 
the community could he redeemed from its worst 
sufferings and maladies by the substitution of 
a new morality and hygiene of the sexual life . 

I have referred to some of the physical 
factors of sex excitation. The mental (psychic) 
causes are more numerous, complex and subtle. 
Sight, sound, odor or touch may convey a mes- 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


23 


sage to the brain and thence to the nerves of sex. 
In some cases of suggestible, very impression¬ 
able, persons of both sexes the stimulus is often 
non-sexual. For example, a beautiful natural 
vista of sea and mountains may, in certain highly 
sensitive subjects, awaken physical yearning and 
sensation. A spectacle of conflict or daring may 
have the same result in some individuals. Such 
feeling is aroused in specific instances by a bull¬ 
fight, a boxing bout or a wrestling contest. 

Nature has determined for the increase of the 
species that the sex impulse shall be urgent and 
insistent. Hence there is scarcely a limit to the 
influences and stimuli affecting the complicated 
brain and nervous system of mankind. Scien¬ 
tific inquirers assert that this instinct is even more 
powerful than hunger. 

Are we, then, bound to decry and to avoid the 
beauties of Nature, works of art, music, painting, 
poetry and all aesthetics because these are liable 
to become erotic excitants in some natures and 
under certain conditions? Certainly not. This 
banning of art and beauty and joyousness was 
the profound error of puritanism. The at¬ 
tempted negation of the human craving for love¬ 
liness in form, color, and sound proved a colossal 
failure. People were not more normal and 
chaste because they were forbidden to attend 
plays, to take part in village carnivals, to sing, 
to dance and to laugh. The existing puritanic 
communities of to-day do not afford a fine 
example of high moral living and sex purity. 


24 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


Our attitude towards all the positive or poten¬ 
tial psychic excitants must be sane. Art is not 
essentially evil because it often inspires the emo¬ 
tion of love, or arouses physical desire. There 
is scarcely anything in existence which may not, 
in some persons and at some time, awaken the 
racial or pairing instinct. The anchorite retires 
to his cave. Has he escaped all possible sugges¬ 
tion and temptation? We know from history 
that the penances and mortifications of the 
ascetics frequently heightened their voluptuous 
yearnings. Martin Luther testified to this from 
his own experience of monastic life. 

It should be understood clearly that though 
art may quicken the erotic wish, it is also one of 
the supreme means of sublimating sex. Let me 
try to explain sublimation. We have admitted 
that the amorous impulse is enormously power¬ 
ful and complicated in mankind. What would 
be the result of entirely uncontrolled gratification 
in the case of a very ardent and virile man living 
in a community, if he gave rein to every passing 
desire and freely indulged his strongest crav¬ 
ings? Would not his unbridled conduct pro¬ 
duce social misery and involve great cruelty? 

We can imagine rape as a daily occurrence, 
seduction a constant practice, adultery universal, 
the satisfaction of abnormal and perverse pas¬ 
sions common in all classes, and an absence of 
any sense of social responsibility and regard for 
the well-being of others. 

The most primitive of our ancestors realized 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


25 


that this tremendous force must be controlled 
and directed in the commonweal. Hence arose 
systems of marriage, strict codes of sex morality, 
tabus and penalties for delinquents. Absolute 
sexual license would mean social chaos. The 
courses open to humanity in sex behavior are: 
(1) sheer promiscuity in intercourse and the in¬ 
dulgence of all desires without regard to the gen¬ 
eral well-being of the tribe; (2) regulation of 
the union of the sexes by marriage within or with¬ 
out the tribe, the founding of conjugal laws for 
husbands and wives, and the protection of off¬ 
spring. 

Now, as celibacy after the age of puberty is 
extremely infrequent among savage people, the 
struggle of adolescent chastity is less keen than 
among the civilized. Moreover, the sexual im¬ 
pulse is not supremely powerful and active in 
the uncultured races. A civilized, educated 
imaginative man is far more susceptible or erethic 
in this respect than the barbarian. Among 
primitive human beings we still find marked ves¬ 
tiges of the period of evolution when the sex in¬ 
stinct was seasonal, or periodic, as in the case of 
the animals. That is to say, the savage is often 
non-erethic, or apathetic towards sex, for a con¬ 
siderable part of each year. On the contrary, 
civilized men and women are at all times swayed 
more or less strongly by the emotion of love. 

Now, if lawful gratification cannot be attained, 
our moral principle directs that the desires must 
be repressed, or diverted, or sublimated. With 


26 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


some natures repression of all thought of love 
and promptings to the satisfaction of yearning 
may seem a quite impossible conflict. The 
thoughts arise unbidden, the desires are a 
sequence of the thoughts, and the result is un- 
restfulness, dissatisfaction with life, and some¬ 
times despondency of spirit. A great vital 
energy gives the. impetus to profound wishes. 
These longings crave satisfaction, and this satis¬ 
faction can be found in sublimation. The wish 
is not killed or annihilated in a healthy man. 
It is transferred to other objects than the sexual 
or erotic. 

We can divert this force when necessary from 
the primitive sexual channel into many engross¬ 
ing interests. Sport is one form of diversion. 
Fatiguing exercises use up the surplus vigor, and 
the desire to excel in athletics may help to keep 
a young man chaste. Intellectual persons may 
discover a means of sublimation through an ab¬ 
sorbing love of poetry or of art. If a man has 
a bent for inquiry into the wonders of life he will 
be able to sublimate his physical passion by 
scientific studies. Severe exercise of the brain 
tends to banish sex impulsions from the mind. 
Idleness and day-dreaming, and allowing the 
mind to form erotic images, keep the longings 
uppermost in thought and complicate the 
struggle for restraint. Intense occupation of the 
brain is, therefore, an aid to sublimating the 
amative nature. 

The love hunger can be appeased, for long 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


27 


periods at least, by transferring the desire to love 
and to be loved into social zeal, acts of kindness 
to friends and efforts to make other people 
happy. The great humanitarian is a born lover 
who has sublimated his amorous instincts in the 
service of mankind. His love yearning is satis¬ 
fied by his deeds of benevolence, or his endeavor 
to make life more full and enjoyable for the 
generations to come. The sensualist and the 
profligate have not learned the use and the worth¬ 
whileness of sublimation. They are less highly 
evolved human beings than the well-controlled 
student, the social reformer, and the scientific in¬ 
vestigator who transfer their life-energy into use¬ 
ful and beneficial activity. 

Unsublimated passion reduces a man to a state 
of sensual slavery. The unrestrained sensualist 
develops inordinate longings for continual grati¬ 
fications of the animal appetites. We compare 
the mere sensual man to an animal; but the com¬ 
parison is not just. 

The lower animals, in a state of nature, un¬ 
doubtedly find much enjoyment in the satisfac¬ 
tion of their two great desires—hunger (nutri¬ 
tional desire) and pairing (sexual desire). But 
these yearnings are periodic, and, generally 
speaking, very temperate among the brutes. 
The animals know neither excess nor abstinence. 

The human being who lives chiefly to gratify 
the senses is not like a normal, healthy wild 
animal. He is a degenerate type of the genus 
Man. He is a product of an artificial state of 


28 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


society, which provides him with constant stimu¬ 
lation to the grosser forms of sensual pleasure. 
No mere sensualist can experience the rarer satis¬ 
factions of the love of the sexes. His pleasures 
are indeed far less acute then those of the refined, 
idealistic lover, because his imagination is con¬ 
centrated upon bodily sensations alone. Perfect 
felicity in love cannot be secured by the simple 
physical gratifications alone. There must be a 
response in the soul (psyche) to the impulse of 
the body (soma). That is to say, the full realiza¬ 
tion of the beauty and the joy of the love of the 
sexes is not purely sensual, or exclusively spirit¬ 
ual, but a mingling of the psychic and the somatic 
elements. 

The mere seeker for sexual pleasure is often 
quite unable to experience love in its finest and 
most exquisite forms. He is in reality a poor 
man. He would possess many women, but he 
fails to possess one in the highest sense. The 
true lover not only possesses the body of the 
loved one, but he is admitted into the sanctuary 
of her soul. The sensualist does not strive to 
win the heart of a woman. He seeks the oppo¬ 
site sex as the instrument of a dull animal appe¬ 
tite, and he knows nothing of the spiritual rap¬ 
tures of a real passion. The man who knows 
only animal gratifications is on a level with the 
lower animals, and is even below some of the 
higher animals, such as the birds, in whose loves 
unselfishness, tenderness, courage and constancy 
are often manifest. 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


29 


It would be contrary to the whole scheme of 
Nature to exclude the sensuous from the love of 
man and woman. I am not attempting to set 
up unnatural asceticism as the finest form of 
sublimation. That is a rock upon which human 
nature has been wrecked in the past. There must 
he passion in true love between the seoces, hut 
there is a wide difference between the passion of 
a romantic , unselfish•, mutually tender love of 
man and woman and the simple craving for sen¬ 
sual pleasure . A real love seeks the good and 
the joy of the loved person. The “love” of the 
philanderer and the libertine seeks only personal 
enjoyment, and does not merit the title of affec¬ 
tion. 


THIRD LETTER 


My dear Leonard,— I am glad that you are 
quite frank with me. There must be plain 
speech between us if I am to help you. Conceal¬ 
ment can serve no purpose in this matter, and it 
is quite unnecessary between you and me. All 
that you are experiencing I have experienced. 
Every doubt that troubles you has troubled me; 
and in some matters I am still groping my way 
to the light. Life is a very big adventure. Our 
tremendous primal passions and the vestigial 
longings within us cause keen conflict and per¬ 
plexity to the wisest. 

Very few virile, healthy young men are un¬ 
familiar with the happening to which you refer 
in your last letter. It is rather difficult to state 
precisely whether the phenomenon should be 
classed as normal or abnormal. The modern 
scientific and moral view is that the spontaneous 
expulsion of the seminal fluid during sleep is a 
simple automatic action practically beyond our 
control. I say practically because there is a pos¬ 
sibility that this occurrence may become frequent 
as a result of conscious self-gratification during 
the waking hours, or as a consequence of allow¬ 
ing the mind to dwell upon erotic images. But 
it is well proved that the chastest of men are 
liable to experience this involuntary expulsion. 

30 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


31 


It is, therefore, a common phenomenon of the 
celibate life. 

It is not too much to say that millions of civil¬ 
ized, morally disposed young men have endured 
keen torture of the mind through ignorance con¬ 
cerning the nocturnal experience. I well re¬ 
member the fears expressed to me by companions 
when I was your age, and occasionally I meet 
adult men, unmarried or widowers, who are dis¬ 
turbed by this occurrence. The sources of the 
mental trouble aroused in this manner are a dread 
of being impure ?j or unduly sensuous, and the fear 
that the process is very injurious to the system. 

Now we have very little, if any, control over 
our dreams. The weird fantasies of sleep spring 
from the under-consciousness, or, as it is now 
more often termed, “the unconscious.” The con¬ 
scious mind is a thin layer or stratum upon the 
tremendous accumulation of forgotten or sub¬ 
merged impressions that form the unconscious. 
In sleep images and symbols of submerged de¬ 
sires thrust themselves upwards into conscious¬ 
ness in a highly mysterious fashion, and entirely 
without our sanction. If you dreamt that you 
were murdering me, I should not say that you 
were responsible for such a dream, and I know 
that in your conscious mind you have no desire 
to injure me. 

The dream is, therefore, beyond our control, 
though, strictly speaking, it may represent a re¬ 
percussion of our waking thoughts. If you have 
been worrying during the day about an examina- 


32 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


tion, you may dream of “exams” in your sleep. 
The most “innocent,” or uninformed, person of 
either sex may have a bewildering sexual dream. 
This is far from uncommon. It is the voice of 
the mighty force that dwells in the unconscious, 
a strange prompting of a primitive instinct that 
may be quite unsuspected in the conscious. 

The question of the alleged weakening effect 
of the loss of seminal fluid in sleep has occupied 
the close attention of a great number of physi¬ 
ologists and physicians. It is a well-known nat¬ 
ural fact that healthy plants, animals and men 
produce the germs of life in an enormous quan¬ 
tity. An immense proportion of the acorns that 
fall from an oak and of the ova that are dropped 
by a salmon do not produce life. Throughout 
the whole of nature there is a very lavish produc¬ 
tion of seed. It is so with mankind. In one 
emission of the spermatic fluid, or seed, of a 
healthy man there are enough germs to impreg¬ 
nate or fructify tens of thousands of female 
germs or ova. Now, as only one ripened ovum 
or germ is usually fertilized by the male in the 
act of reproduction, it follows that a countless 
number of sperms are unused and lost. The 
generous provision of sperms, or spermatozoa, 
is a device of Nature to ensure the continuance 
of the species. 

The reason why an unnatural loss— e.g. ex¬ 
cessive wastage—of semen, or human male seed, 
is injurious is easily explained by the fact that 
the seminal fluid has an important bodily, or 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


33 


somatic, use as well as its great racial purpose. 
The vigor of the body, the power of the brain, 
the growth of the bones are partly dependent 
upon the supply of spermatic fluid generated in 
the testicles, the two oval bodies contained in 
the scrotum, or bag, at the base of the abdomen. 
Manliness, virility and intellectual force are de¬ 
rived in a great degree from this testicular se¬ 
cretion. The fertility of the sperms can be 
lessened by excessive losses and their number re¬ 
duced. During early youth the spermatozoa, or 
reproductive cells, are not so abundant as in the 
years of vigorous adult age from twenty-five to 
about forty-five, and in some instances later. In 
old age the sperms are considerably reduced in 
quantity, and lose a great part of their potency 
for creating a new life. As man nears the last 
stage of life the sperms are often absent from the 
seminal fluid and the capacity for fatherhood 
ceases. 

A heavy drain on the seminal secretions, 
especially during the period of growth from four¬ 
teen to twenty-one, means a sapping of the vital 
bodily power and a weakening of the brain force. 
Now the spontaneous, or automatic, discharges 
during sleep need not alarm a healthy young 
man, if they only occur once or twice in a month. 
From scientific investigation undertaken by men 
living perfectly chaste lives it has been discovered 
that the night emissions tend to occur with 
monthly regularity. That is to say, the records 
show that at periods of about twenty-eight days 


34 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


there may be two or three expulsions in the course 
of a few days. 

The nocturnal phenomenon would appear to 
be a normal occurrence in the case of men living 
an entirely celibate life. In the vast majority 
of cases the emissions cease after marriage. 
This overflowing of the seminal vessels must be 
regarded as a physiological manifestation in 
celibacy, and not necessarily as a symptom of un¬ 
ruly desires, or of bodily weakness. Some early 
teachers of the Catholic religion recognized the 
fact that this occurrence is beyond the control of 
the will, and therefore attached no moral stigma 
to the spontaneous expulsion of seminal fluid 
during sleep, provided that it was not stimulated 
by the imagination during the hours of wakeful¬ 
ness. 

It is the opinion of some inquirers into this 
question that the nocturnal phenomenon is a sign 
of deviation from perfect health of the sexual 
system. The question is by no means easy to 
decide in a certain and final manner, because 
among people living in artificial conditions of 
life it is hard to say what is quite normal and 
what is abnormal. I can safely refer you to the 
statements of the eminent physician, Sir James 
Paget, who declared that all the celibate men he 
had known experienced the night emission, and 
showed no signs of ill health unless the occurrence 
was frequent. Another medical authority, Dr. 
Lauder Brunton, has noted that these discharges 
happen about once a fortnight or once a month. 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 85 

These emissions in sleep “in moderation are to be 
regarded as a wholesome safety-valve,” write 
Professors Patrick Geddes and Arthur Thomson 
in their book upon Sex . 

There is a risk of these expulsions becoming 
frequent and morbid. Can they be checked by 
an effort of will? Undoubtedly the emissions 
may be stimulated by letting the mind dwell 
closely upon sensual desire, by insufficient physi¬ 
cal exercise, by overeating and drinking, by 
mental idleness, by too warm bed coverings, by 
sleeping on the back, and by the habit of mastur¬ 
bation, or self-excitation. When we realize that 
any of these factors may excite the sex impulse 
we should be careful to avoid them. 

The practice of handling the genital organ, or 
any other form of self-excitation to produce plea¬ 
sure, is a purposive act. All actions that can 
be willed can be controlled, inhibited or sup¬ 
pressed by an effort of the mind. Masturbation, 
as this habit is called, is a conscious and deliberate 
act, and is of a different character from an oc¬ 
currence during sleep. Although this practice is 
widespread among mankind, and has been noted 
among animals in domesticity, it must be de¬ 
scribed as abnormal. As you already know that 
this habit is not uncommon among boys at school, 
I need not dwell upon its prevalence. Some¬ 
times the practice begins through accidental 
causes in early childhood, and is continued during 
youth, while in some cases it is never abandoned 
when once acquired. 


36 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


Now we should understand clearly that the 
sexual, or amative, passion is implanted in us for 
a racial purpose. There is the natural method 
of gratification of the instinct— i.e . mating or 
marriage—and there are perverse, abnormal and 
morbid satisfactions. Every sane man would 
naturally choose the normal and natural mode of 
life. There is always danger in wandering from 
the natural course. Masturbation often becomes 
a pathological, or diseased, habit, and may pro¬ 
duce mental and physical results that hinder a 
fine development of manly power. 

Many lads of your age have been frightened 
and driven to utter despair by being told that 
this practice ends in insanity or death. Many 
have considered themselves so abandoned and im¬ 
moral that they have lost their reason through 
terrible brooding, and some have even committed 
suicide through shame. I disapprove of the 
gross over-statements which, in the view of many 
able physicians and several distinguished moral 
teachers, tend to paralyze a youth’s strongest ef¬ 
forts to control temptation by driving him to 
sheer despair. 

This despairing spirit must not be allowed to 
take possession of the mind. Mastery of the 
passions is attainable . I have already pointed 
out that the primary instinct can be sublimated, 
and diverted from one way of gratification into 
several ways. One effort to resist temptation 
strengthens the will for the next encounter. The 
will becomes stronger with each successful com- 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 37 

bat. There is a supreme satisfaction in the 
thought that the brain is the victor over our dan¬ 
gerous impulses or feelings that arise from phy¬ 
sical causes. In a race the plucky runner says, 
“I will not be beaten,” and by a tremendous en¬ 
deavor he makes his muscles, his heart and his 
lungs obey his will, and outdistances all compet¬ 
itors. The thrill of victory in resisting a for¬ 
midable temptation is even keener than the tri¬ 
umph of the athlete . For conquest in moral con¬ 
flicts demands all our valor and energy . The 
sternest battles are those fought within the soul of 
man. Moral courage is a much rarer virtue than 
physical bravery, but this courage can be cul¬ 
tivated. 

The injury that often results from these prac¬ 
tices is chiefly nervous and mental, in the case of 
those who tend to nervous ailments. There is 
a form of nerve weakness, or neurasthenia, which 
has been traced to long-continued masturbation. 
Now a neurasthenic person never feels “quite 
fit.” There is likely to be a headache and diges¬ 
tive trouble; a feeling of tiredness is usual, and 
often there are depression of mind, or “the blues,” 
disturbed sleep and irrational fears. Neuras¬ 
thenia is a handicap upon work and play. The 
disclination for any kind of exertion may become 
paralyzing to all effort of mind and body. 
There are other causes of nervous feebleness than 
the one I have mentioned. But some physicians 
of wide experience consider that this excess is a 
not uncommon factor. 


38 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


The inveterate victim of this habit may un¬ 
dergo change in the emotional or spiritual nature. 
He may become very solitary, shy and self-ab¬ 
sorbed. There may be a distaste for the society 
of the opposite sex. Sometimes the capacity for 
falling in love in a natural manner disappears, 
and this must be regarded as a morbid condition 
of the feeling and the mind. Nature intends 
every human being to experience the happiness 
of devoted love, mating and parentage. The 
man or the woman who cannot love must be re¬ 
garded as a freak and an instance of deviation 
from the healthy, normal type. Would any man 
really choose to develop a disinclination for mar¬ 
riage? If he reflected, I doubt whether there 
is a sane living man who would actually choose 
to become indifferent to the emotion that unites 
the two sexes and brings the greatest well-being 
and joy to humanity. When a youth abandons 
himself to secret indulgences, he does not sus¬ 
pect that he is threatening himself with future 
unhappiness, and depriving himself of a great ex¬ 
perience. Generally, he has no suspicion that 
the habit can bring about an alteration in his 
emotional, or psychic, being. 

Many unfortunate marriages must be attrib¬ 
uted to the fact that one or both of the partners 
has, or have, impaired the power to love in a 
normal or natural way. The great danger in all 
trifling with perverted sex desires is that the per¬ 
version may become a continual craving, or an 
“obsession” which is very hard to overcome. 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


39 


The man who has learned to prefer the abnormal 
in the gratification of his erotic yearning can 
scarcely hope for true felicity in wedded life. 
His imagination has become fixed upon per¬ 
verted ideas. He loses the happiness of real 
married love because he has made himself incap¬ 
able of experiencing it. He has grasped at a 
shadow and missed the substance. The substi¬ 
tute has become an overmastering tyranny. The 
actual is denied to him through a long practice 
of the substituted, or the counterfeit, satisfaction. 

There is, therefore, always a great risk that 
the habit may become a “fixation” and an in¬ 
ordinate craving. In bad cases there is a con¬ 
stant taxing of the nervous force. This undue 
and abnormal expenditure of vital power dur¬ 
ing the period when all the energy is required 
for growth cannot fail to injure the constitution. 
The life force should be stored up in boyhood 
and youth for one of its chief purposes, the re¬ 
production of the race during the years of vigor¬ 
ous adult life. The young man who learns re¬ 
straint stands a much higher chance of happiness 
in married love, and will become the father of 
healthier offspring, than one who has frittered 
away his vital power. He will be more sane and 
normal in mind than the morbid victim of fur¬ 
tive and excessive indulgences, who is often as¬ 
sailed by doubts as to his fitness and potency for 
marriage, and is generally a sufferer from re¬ 
morse and shame. 

The fact that the sexual hunger or desire fre- 


40 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


quently arises before the age of manhood and of 
marriage has been regarded by some scientific 
minds as a disharmony in human development. 
There seems little doubt that in the early stages 
of man’s development mating began during 
youth. As mankind progressed in knowledge, 
and in social and moral responsibility, immature 
marriage was considered harmful to the commun¬ 
ity. It is possible also that as the standard of 
living became higher marriage was postponed 
until young men were the possessors of some 
kind of property, such as cattle, sufficient for 
the needs of the family. If we recognize clearly 
that this prematurity in sex development is vesti¬ 
gial, and without any use to the men and women 
of our time, we should be prepared to withstand 
the promptings that arise while the body and 
mind are still undeveloped. 

A young man should look upon marriage as the 
consummation of his manhood and his rightful 
destiny. Adolescence, or youth, should be a 
preparation for the important duties of conjugal 
life and parenthood. There should be a deter¬ 
mination to enter the married state soon after 
the attainment of the adult age; and to this end 
a youth should work hopefully and persever- 
ingly, and live a temperate, well-ordered life. 
His ideal of sex love should be refined and 
elevated. No man of low ideals can know the 
supreme happiness of married love. 


FOURTH LETTER 


My dear Boy,,— In the first of these letters 
I wrote that some of our ideas of sex morality 
are far from ethics or rightness, and I said that 
I would refer to this question another time. 
Now, in daily conversation with men and women, 
in reading books and newspapers, and while 
walking in the streets, a thoughtful man or 
woman is sure to encounter instances of oppres¬ 
sion, injustice, cruelty and suffering arising from 
our very imperfect moral codes and faulty laws. 

What is “moral”? One definition is “vir¬ 
tuous”; another is “conformed to right.” But 
what is virtuous and what is right? Broadly 
speaking, the moral man is one who respects the 
rights of others, and will do nothing that may 
injure a fellow-man or the community in which 
he lives. If he is a Christian he will strive to 
obey the rules of his creed. If he is a Buddhist 
he will base his behavior on the teaching of 
Buddha. It is obvious that the moral and social 
systems regulating sex conduct vary very greatly, 
according to geographical position, climate, re¬ 
ligion, traditional superstitions, culture and ideas 
of property. 

In some tribes women are bartered like sheep 
and this exchange is considered perfectly moral. 

Sometimes brides are won by conflict and cap- 
41 


42 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


ture. Some nations believe that plurality of 
wives, or polygamy, is an absolutely moral form 
of the sex relationship. In parts of India it is 
deemed moral for a woman to marry three or 
four husbands. Among some primitive com¬ 
munities sexual intercourse before marriage and 
adultery after marriage are not regarded as 
offenses against morality. Aberrations from 
normal sexual associations are sanctioned by the 
moral custom of some races. That which we re¬ 
gard as vice is an accepted practice among many 
savage societies and even cultured nations. 
Throughout the inhabited globe there is an enor¬ 
mous variation in the codes of sex morality. 

Naturally, in those countries where virility be¬ 
gins in youth there is early marriage. In the 
temperate and cold climates there is a tendency 
to defer marriage. We discountenance the mat¬ 
ing of young people of fifteen; but in India girls 
become wives before that age, and their mar¬ 
riages are sanctified by religion. Each country 
strives to work out a system of sexual morality 
adapted to the needs of the people. In Eng¬ 
land and America, and in most parts of Europe, 
the ideal union of the sexes is the single marriage 
or monogamy. But we cannot pretend that 
strict monogamy is the invariable rule. We 
know that a form of polygamy exists in prosti¬ 
tution, and that married persons are not always 
faithful. 

The defects of our moral standards in sexual 
behavior are,very frequently instanced. It is 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


43 


generally assumed that marriage is a relation¬ 
ship based upon mutual affection and esteem. 
We know, however, that many persons marry 
without true affection; that rich men often 
buy their wives, and that mercenary-minded 
women will not marry impecunious men. The 
sacredness of wedlock consists in obedience to 
the natural inclination of love. If love is absent 
no ceremony can make the union truly sacred. 
When two persons cease to love and respect one 
another the whole meaning of marriage disap¬ 
pears, and the association is a travesty of “holy 
matrimony.” Any compulsion by law or cus¬ 
tom enforcing an estranged couple to live to¬ 
gether cannot be called “moral.” Such coercion 
is contrary to natural law and to sane ethics. A 
loveless marriage is a monstrous affront to na¬ 
ture and to morality, and a great source of evil 
in the community. 

A really moral society would combat the prob¬ 
lem of enforced celibacy for a vast number of 
men and a larger host of women by making sub¬ 
sistence easier for both sexes, and promoting 
more marriage and earlier marriage. Lord 
Sydenham said lately that early marriage is the 
chief remedy for prostitution, and therefore the 
best preventive of the terrible diseases that re¬ 
sult from promiscuous sex relations. Moralists 
have repeated this view for generations; but the 
age of marriage among men tends more and more 
to be deferred. 

Another defect in our moral code is the double 


44 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


standard of sexual conduct. It is considered a 
heinous sin for a woman to lose her chastity; 
but license in men is tolerated and condoned, and 
by some people it is not classed as immorality. 
If a young woman “falls,” as it is called, she is 
usually regarded as an outcast or a vicious per¬ 
son. But a young man may escape the censure 
of his neighbors, although he leads an irregular 
life. In cases of seduction the woman often suc¬ 
cumbs to the persuasion of a man whom she loves, 
and very frequently the seducer gains his object 
by a deceptive promise of marriage. Cruel 
punishment may be the lot of the deceived 
woman, while the man incurs no social penalty. 

When an unmarried woman bears a child she 
is exposed to disgrace, but her partner is merely 
compelled to pay a few shillings a week towards 
the support of the child. All the responsibility 
of maintaining and educating the child falls upon 
the mother. If she is poor the unwanted baby 
is frequently neglected. The death-rate among 
illegitimate children is twice as high as among 
the legitimate; and many are cast adrift in the 
world, and suffer through a want of parental love 
and right training. Illegitimacy is not the fault 
of the illegitimate, but children born out of wed¬ 
lock are almost certain to suffer. 

Social offenses and transgressions must be 
judged humanely and justly. But every case of 
unchastity must be considered in relation to the 
evil wrought upon the community. A young 
man and a young woman may diverge from the 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


45 


strait path of virtue through a want of serious 
reflection upon the consequences of their action. 
They may be morally disposed, but feeble in 
their power of resisting vehement temptation. 
When the woman taken in adultery was brought 
before Jesus He did not condemn her to infamy, 
and His words to her were a reproof to those who 
sought her total disgrace and harsh punishment. 
Has a Christian society the right to degrade one 
of its members who has erred? The example 
of the Founder of Christianity is the best answer 
to this question. We must discriminate before 
we form hard judgments. The callous habitual 
libertine merits strong reprobation, but when two 
inexperienced young people are swept along by 
a sudden passionate yearning, we should refrain 
from any action that will drive them to despair. 
We can only influence people by reason and love, 
and pointing out the advantage of virtue. All 
the austere punishments of olden times failed to 
banish sexual irregularity. 

Love, suasion and sound moral education are 
the best safeguards of personal purity. We 
must raise a finer ideal of sex love, marriage and 
parentage, and not rely merely upon denuncia¬ 
tion of sin and error. If a brother falls in the 
conflict with his passions, we must help him on 
to his feet, gird his armor, and instill hope and 
courage. 

I have great hope that you will realize the 
value of a high ideal of the love of the sexes. I 
do not wish you to accept all that passes to-day 


46 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


for morality as the finest attainable ideal. We 
have still a long road to travel in sexual ethics, 
and some of us are in a dangerous jungle, and 
without a true guide. Love is a pure, strong, 
elevating emotion. But everywhere in the civil¬ 
ized nations this ennobling passion is under¬ 
valued and debased. Prostitution and sexual 
promiscuity, mere sensual pleasure-seeking and 
mercenary amours are the coarse substitutes for 
love in communities lacking idealism. Love can¬ 
not be bartered for money. It is above and be¬ 
yond the realm of gold. 

When your mother married your father, the 
fact that he was a struggling architect, with a 
very uncertain future, had not the slightest in¬ 
fluence. She was entirely swayed by her affec¬ 
tion and admiration for a fine man who offered 
her his devotion. The love that your parents 
bore for one another was infinitely greater to 
them than anything else in the world. It was an 
inspiration to both. Your mother’s tenderness, 
courage, fortitude and unselfishness proved a 
treasure beyond price to your father, and his 
peaceful, happy home life consoled him for his 
early want of worldly success, and enabled him 
to win through in the struggle. Your father’s 
passionate attachment to your mother supplied 
her deep emotional needs and inspired her with 
the rarest happiness. I can only trust that you 
may know the serenity, the uncheckered affec¬ 
tion and oneness that blessed your parents’ mar- 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 47 


riage. Remember always that they both pos¬ 
sessed and earnestly strove to live up to a high 
ideal of married love. 

Looking back on my past life, I regret often 
that I failed at times to live up to my ideals. I 
cannot live my life again. But I can use my 
experience in trying to show you the right road 
at the outset of your journey. I don’t wish to 
bore you with prosy exhortations and negative 
counsels of virtue. Sometimes I am afraid that 
I may seem more platitudinous than practical, 
though I really try to avoid the “heavy father” 
style. We all tend to get into the way of re¬ 
peating the old wise saws. But I wish to be 
helpful and not simply sententious. 

I have given you reasons why you should com¬ 
bat the habit common in youth, and now I will 
refer to the question of irregular or promiscuous 
intercourse of the sexes. You say that you have 
already met companions who boast of having re¬ 
lations with professional courtesans. Let me as¬ 
sure you that such associations invariably cause 
revulsion in the minds of men who have any real 
respect for love and for women. I am not allud¬ 
ing just now to the moral standpoint. You have 
been told often enough that this commerce with 
an unfortunate class of women is a vice. Apart 
from the moral aspect there are other considera¬ 
tions. Bought “love” can never be love in any 
true sense. Consorting with women who sell 
themselves is a very bad introduction to a human 


48 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 

experience which nature plainly indicates as the 
consummation of attraction, admiration and pas¬ 
sion. This cold-blooded buying of a strange 
woman’s body is at the least a very unsesthetic, 
unemotional and unspiritual matter. No re¬ 
fined man can entirely close his eyes to the ugli¬ 
ness of the transaction or get from it anything 
but self-disgust. 

To seek and select a woman of the street, just 
as one would buy a meal or a cigar, is a gross 
form of pleasure, and such an experience often 
leaves an indelible stain upon the soul. Every 
high-minded, chivalrous man who is led away by 
animal desire—in most cases aroused by alco¬ 
holic stimulation—suffers a loss of respect and 
frequently a self-loathing. As a preparation for 
conjugal life this sordid experience is worse than 
useless. The woman who willingly trades her¬ 
self is very far removed in sentiment, emotion 
and outlook on life and love from the maiden 
who gives herself to her bridegroom. No right 
understanding of women can be gained from as¬ 
sociating with courtesans. 

This reckless promiscuity has a debasing, 
smirching effect upon the emotional and moral 
nature. It is unclean and unhealthy. More 
than all, it is an act of injustice to women. You 
will be told that “no woman need lead this life,” 
that “prostitution is a social necessity,” and that 
“the Grecian civilization raised the profession to 
dignity.” It is true that we do not directly 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 49 


compel women to minister to the lusts of men, 
but indirectly our social system fosters the evil. 
A very large proportion of these our sisters are 
urged into the unhappy “gay life” by want or 
by underpaid work. Many recruit the ranks be¬ 
cause they have been seduced and left with a child 
to support. Some have been hardly judged by 
their relatives for one slip, and they have sunk 
through despair and a lack of love. 

Philanthropic men and women who endeavor 
to rescue and reform the courtesan class tell us 
that we must not affirm that all these women are 
very wicked or abandoned by nature. They are 
often called “unfortunates.” Many of these de¬ 
spised creatures possess kindness of disposition, 
and are in many respects just like ordinary 
women in regard to all the virtues except chas¬ 
tity. The pity is that so many women who might 
have been happy wives and affectionate mothers 
are to be found in this ignoble profession. 

I remember the remark of a Spanish friend as 
we sat in a London restaurant in which some 
women of the street were plying their sad busi¬ 
ness. After being solicited by a girl, he turned 
to me and said: “I am a man of passion, but I 
have never bought a woman, and I would loathe 
myself if I did. There is something terrible to 
me in the dependence of these poor women who 
offer themselves like slaves in a market. How 
can a truly passionate man, with a capacity for 
love, allow himself to take pleasure through the 


50 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


poverty or misfortune of a fellow human being?” 
If all men thought in this way there would be an 
end of one of our greatest social evils. 

I will refer to other aspects of this sad problem 
in my next letter. 


FIFTH LETTER 


My dear Leonard, —In my last letter I tried 
to appeal to your sense of fair play, justice and 
chivalry in referring to the mercenary associa¬ 
tion of the two sexes. I want you to realize that 
many women are driven into the ranks of pros¬ 
titution through the harshness of relatives and 
of society, and that a large proportion are urged 
by sheer want and cruel industrial conditions. 
No right-minded man would wish that his sister 
or any woman dear to him should enter this de¬ 
plorable profession. Yet there are many men 
who do not shrink from assisting in the social dis¬ 
grace of other men’s sisters. This shows that 
we are not a socialized people. If we recognized 
the rights of every one in the community, we 
could not tolerate conditions that foster the slav¬ 
ery and degradation of a host of women. 

What is the real position of the courtesan? 
She is ostracized and despised by the very people 
who say that she is a social necessity. Her 
women associates are members of her own class, 
and the men who consort with her secretly do not 
admit her to their circle of friends. However 
successful she may be for a time, while her at¬ 
tractions last, she is a social outcast. It is the 
constant regret of these unhappy women that 
they are lonely and unloved. So strong is 


52 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


woman’s natural craving for affection and the 
companionship of man that many courtesans 
form a relationship with worthless scoundrels, 
who live upon the earnings of their paramours 
and victims. 

Prostitution debars a woman from the happi¬ 
ness of family life, from healthy, honored mother¬ 
hood, and from the chances of love and protec¬ 
tion in old age. Every woman who adopts this 
means of earning subsistence knows that the day 
will come when she will cease to allure the op¬ 
posite sex. Some of the most successful mem¬ 
bers of this class sink into poverty at middle age, 
and a number become hopeless invalids, or phy¬ 
sical and mental wrecks, while they are still in 
the prime of life. 

The proportion of “unfortunates” who avoid 
the ravaging diseases arising from their calling 
is very small indeed. Some inquirers believe 
that no loose-living woman avoids infection. 
Every diseased courtesan spreads poison. This 
contagion does not only affect the men who resort 
to public women. It is spread in many ways, 
and attacks an immense number of unoffending 
persons, and even young children. Syphilis is 
one of the great racial toxins or deadly poisons. 
Gonorrhoea, another of the venereal complaints, 
is also a fearful scourge. Both of these maladies 
ravage civilization. 

Syphilitic infection is very common among the 
dissolute. It is necessary that you should know 
something about this grave disease, which is often 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


53 


caught through sexual connection with infected 
women. Many of these women do not belong to 
the regular class of street-walkers. Men or 
women who indulge in casual sex relations run 
considerable risk of contracting syphilis or 
gonorrhoea. Some girls who are described as 
“light” or “flighty” have irregular intimacies 
with several men. Many of these girls are in¬ 
fectious. Some may be even unaware of the na¬ 
ture of the disorder from which they are suffer¬ 
ing. A large number of men of all ages be¬ 
come the victims of one or another of the three 
venereal ailments, through associating with 
“light” women who have been infected by men. 

Syphilis was until recently called “the secret 
disease,” or “the hidden plague.” It arises from 
a germ called the spirochete, which enters the 
blood through the slightest scratch on any part 
of the skin, or may be conveyed by kissing a 
syphilitic man or woman. The malady is some¬ 
times produced by using a razor, a pipe or a cup 
which has been used by a diseased person. It is 
spread by public water-closets. Doctors and 
nurses who attend cases of syphilis sometimes 
acquire the disorder, in spite of all their care in 
washing and the use of disinfectants. 

Usually the first sign of the disease is seen on 
the sex organs. A small sore marks the point 
of infection. If medical attention is given im¬ 
mediately, the poison, which may be only local, 
may be eliminated. But the risk of poisoning 
of the whole system is very great . When the 


54 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


germs begin to multiply rapidly they penetrate 
to the internal organs, and may affect the arteries, 
the hair and the brain. The glands are usually 
poisoned, and some become hard and painful. 
There is often a disfiguring skin rash. In a later 
stage the spirochsetes reach the bones and cause 
decay. When they enter the spinal cord they 
induce the terrible disorder called locomotor 
ataxy, which frequently cripples the victim and 
shortens his life. Blindness, deafness and in¬ 
sanity may result. 

The syphilitic person who is not completely 
cured is a great danger to his neighbors. If he 
marries it is almost certain that he will give the 
malady to his wife and children. Offspring 
poisoned by the germs of syphilis sometimes die 
in infancy. If the unhappy children live, they 
are handicapped for life; for the poison in their 
system is likely to cause a whole list of illnesses. 
Many syphilitic children are mentally feeble, and 
some become insane. Wives infected by im¬ 
moral husbands may become chronic invalids, 
and lose the capacity to bear children. Many of 
the sufferings of women are due to syphilis and 
gonorrhoea. 

I dare say you will hear, sooner or later, that 
gonorrhoea (commonly called “clap”) is a simple 
affection, which can be completely cured in a 
few days or weeks. This is entirely false. The 
disease is very serious and is often difficult to 
remedy. In only a few cases is recovery rapid. 
Sometimes the poison is never eliminated from 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 55 


the body. The germs, (gonococci) appear first in 
the urethra, the tube in the penis, and thence 
they often travel upwards to the bladder, caus¬ 
ing painful inflammation. In the course of their 
ravages the germs may find their way to the 
kidneys, and produce pyelitis, an agonizing com¬ 
plaint. The after results are often joint rheu¬ 
matism, which is very hard to cure, and pysemia, 
a serious form of blood-poisoning. 

Gonorrhoea is the cause of an enormous per¬ 
centage of cases of blindness in new-born chil¬ 
dren. It is also the source of terrible illness in 
women, leading in an immense number of in¬ 
stances to serious operations. Women who have 
contracted this complaint are often rendered in¬ 
capable of motherhood, and it is said that 50 per 
cent, of barren wives are sufferers from gonor¬ 
rhoeal poisoning. 

Eminent physicians, supported by the Govern¬ 
ment and the mass of right-thinking people, are 
using their knowledge and experience in fight¬ 
ing the venereal plague. There are now public 
institutions where the two virulent maladies are 
treated without fees, and the utmost secrecy is ob¬ 
served. If you ever discover that a companion 
has taken the infection, implore him to lose no 
time, not one hour, in obtaining proper medical 
advice and treatment. It is the duty of every 
infected person to seek an immediate cure. If 
he delays, the disease may invade the whole of 
his system, and he will become a menace to his 
neighbors, and a probable poisoner of the race. 


56 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


This devastating plague must be fought by all 
possible means. 

This is a sad topic; but I cannot avoid it on 
that account. For too long we have been silent 
and allowed those poisons to pervade the com¬ 
munity. Such reticence is criminal. Young 
men and women must know the extent of this 
evil, and be warned against it in plain language. 
We must show that the way of the transgressor 
is hard and that the so-called “follies of youth” 
bring incalculable torment of mind and body to 
a vast multitude. 

How can we lessen prostitution and diminish 
the destructive maladies that it causes in every 
part of the civilized world? 

First, we must do all we can to elevate esteem 
for love, and to dissever mere gross animal satis¬ 
factions, purchased casually for money, from any 
conception of true affection and comradeship be¬ 
tween the sexes. 

Second, we must encourage earlier marriage, 
not simply by speech, but by providing practical 
facilities. There must be better wages for the 
working class and higher incomes for middle-class 
workers. More cheap houses are needed in 
every part of the kingdom. We need better food 
for the toilers, more sanitary dwellings and more 
opportunity for marriage in the years of ambi¬ 
tion, vigor and soundness of body. 

Third, we need to teach the great mass of the 
people how to maintain health, to practice tem¬ 
perance and to prefer the higher pleasures of 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 57; 

the mind to the gratification of low desires. This 
necessitates sound hygienic teaching, with proper 
regard to questions of the sex life, parentage, 
heredity, the care of mothers, the nurture of 
children, and the training of both sexes in youth. 

Fourth, we must banish the dire poverty that 
literally impels many women to sell their bodies 
and hinders men from early marriage. 

I hope, my dear lad, that you will take a 
part in working for these reforms. Your in¬ 
nings is to come; mine is nearing the end. I 
want you to make a much bigger score than I 
have made in the great game of life. We live 
in an interesting age. With every generation 
the world grows wiser, and there is more zealous 
endeavor to cope with social problems. It is pos¬ 
sible that before you are an old man we shall have 
almost banished the terrible diseases which I have 
described in this letter, just as we have practi¬ 
cally conquered leprosy and small-pox. 


SIXTH LETTER 


My dear Leonard,— I am glad that you feel 
pity for the unfortunate girl in the village who 
has been charged with killing her baby. Such 
cases are terribly tragic. They are a reflection 
upon our boasted humanity. If one of our sis¬ 
ters in the great human family commits folly or 
sin, we should remember that the Founder of 
Christianity set an eternal example of compas¬ 
sion and mercy. This poor girl has tried to con¬ 
ceal her condition from parents and neighbors; 
and now, after months of anxiety and suffering, 
she has taken the life of her infant in a fit of hope¬ 
less despair. Already she has endured a bitter 
punishment. 

This case cannot fail to make thoughtful per¬ 
sons consider the inequalities of our code of sex 
morality. In the novels of the eighteenth cen¬ 
tury, if there was not actual condonation of se¬ 
duction, there was little or no censure for the 
seducer. It was regarded normally as a sign of 
manliness and “gallantry” that the squire’s son 
should have illicit relations with young women of 
a lower social rank. We have plentiful instances 
in the drama and fiction. Even to-day many 
men talk lightly of this injury inflicted upon 
women, and often upon young girls who are led 
astray through an ignorance of life and their own 

58 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 59 


natures. I do not overlook the fact that seduc¬ 
tion is not always the instigation of the male. 
There are women who tempt young men, and 
some are so unscrupulous that they mislead boys. 
But, universally speaking, man is the chief inciter 
in these cases. 

The inequality in such instances as you de¬ 
scribe is very great, and the whole moral blame 
and social censure falls upon the woman. Now 
the girl who yields to a lover is not necessarily 
demoralized or vicious. In very many cases a 
girl is led to believe that the man has full and 
sincere intention to marry her, and she gives way 
through feminine tenderness and a desire to give 
happiness to one whom she loves and trusts. 
How shall we describe a man who, urged merely 
by sensual desire, takes advantage of a young 
and trusting woman? Is he not a coward and 
a scoundrel? The whole meaning of morality 
is the avoidance of injury to others. In this 
matter of the sexual relationship the woman is 
at a disadvantage. Society demands strict chas¬ 
tity in women, and a slip is regarded as a serious 
offense. In our one-sided code we do not exact 
such a complete restraint from men. Without 
directly encouraging irregularity in young men, 
we are inclined to view their unchastity with 
leniency. We call it “sowing wild oats,” or “see¬ 
ing life.” Frequently the wandering daughter is 
expelled from the home; but the profligate son 
is pardoned. 

If illicit love is wrong for a woman, it is wrong 


60 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


for a man also, and no sophistry can prove the 
contrary. There are no specific masculine and 
feminine sins. All offenses and vices are human. 
The double standard of sex morality is utterly 
unjust and cruel to women. I am not one of 
the extremists who hold that a mere religious 
ceremony “consecrates” every marriage. Many 
marriages are not “holy” in any sense of the 
word. There is nothing sacred in the union of 
a diseased and elderly roue with a young and 
ignorant girl, or in the cohabitation of two per¬ 
sons who have severed the natural bond of af¬ 
fection for one another. Such marriages are a 
wrong against nature and a contradiction of sex¬ 
ual ethics. The woman who falls, as it is termed, 
may be a nobler human being than her so-called 
“virtuous” sister, who with cold and mercenary 
calculation unites, under the name of holy matri¬ 
mony, with a man whom she neither loves nor 
respects. 

What would be the inevitable consequence of 
a constant and general indulgence of the sex in¬ 
stinct? Such license would result in chaos and 
universal promiscuity. As I have said, the most 
primitive of savages recognize that the amative 
impulse must be regulated for the protection of 
the group. Taking a broad biological view, we 
find that sex promiscuity is a rare phenomenon 
among the higher animals and in uncivilized peo¬ 
ples. It is amongst the civilized that promis¬ 
cuous sexual association tends almost to univers¬ 
ality. But even in the most irresponsible com- 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


61 


munities there is always an endeavor to preserve 
a conventional form of marriage, because the 
mass of people approve in theory of the single 
union. 

All divergence from the existing canon of 
chastity or extra-marital intercourse of the sexes 
must not be judged alike, as though only one 
form of irregularity existed. But the seduction 
of an unsuspecting and untaught girl by a 
mature and experienced man, for the simple 
gratification of lust, is a dastardly action and 
must be classed among the worst of offenses. It 
is an act of callous cruelty. 

Experience has taught men and women that 
sexual promiscuity must be avoided in the in¬ 
terest of the group, the community, the nation 
and the race. All transitory or ephemeral rela¬ 
tionships of the sexes are likely to bring trouble 
to the partners and to cause social evils. The 
way of happiness and peace in love is not in 
intrigues, clandestine unions and furtive in¬ 
timacies. Love languishes when it is allied to 
fear, shame and remorse. It cannot be said that 
the Don Juans, Lotharios and Lovelaces are as 
happy as ardent and faithful married lovers. 
Women who break from the accepted tradition 
of chastity are rarely contented with life, and 
many sink into despondency in middle age, and 
mourn for the home and the children that con¬ 
sole and charm declining years. 

You will say that it is well enough to incul¬ 
cate strict conjugal chastity, and to preach con- 


62 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


stant restraint, but how can the passionate and 
the strongly amorous exercise a perfect conti¬ 
nence. I have never professed that chastity is 
easy for any vigorous, healthily-functioning 
young man. It is acknowledged by the greatest 
of the world’s teachers and thinkers that this 
struggle is keen and often exacting. But noth¬ 
ing worth winning is won easily. You know that 
training for athletics demands severe self-denials, 
rigorous exercise and strict moderation in the 
gratification of the appetites. You realize that 
the severities of training are worth enduring, 
with a view to fitness and probable triumph in 
the contest of strength and endurance. The stu¬ 
dent who has set his hopes upon passing an im¬ 
portant examination is assured that his long 
hours of study and the curtailment of recreation 
and pleasures will have their future reward, and 
he applies himself to learning with intense 
energy. 

The discipline of restraining the sex desire in 
youth and early manhood is part of the prepara¬ 
tion for marriage. It is a training of the will, 
the mind and the emotions. The reward comes 
in a happy, healthy marriage. Often the loose¬ 
living man squanders both physical strength and 
money, and at the age of thirty-five he is pre¬ 
maturely aged and stinted financially through his 
extravagance. He is usually blase and more or 
less afflicted with a sense of the tediousness of 
existence. If he marries, the chances are that 
he will be dissatisfied with conjugal life and his 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


63 


discontent will ruin the happiness of his wife. 
His children will probably suffer through the sins 
of the father committed in youth; and in old age 
he will admit, with secret regrets, that the harvest 
of wild oats is a curse upon his declining years. 

I sympathize entirely with hot-blooded youth. 
I know that the battle for chastity is the severest 
trial that a man can experience. That is why I 
would urge all young men to work valiantly and 
industriously with the object of early marriage. 
From sixteen onwards for eight to ten years a 
youth should keep his eyes fixed on the goal of 
wedlock. If he meets a girl whom he loves and 
respects, let her become his tender friend, his con¬ 
fidential comrade and his inspiration while mak¬ 
ing his career. 

The only real safeguards of social chastity are 
a deep esteem for the love of the sexes, a high 
respect for women and parentage, and early mar¬ 
riage. Respect for love restrains a man or 
woman from trifling with serious emotions, or 
from sexual gratification without the seal of af¬ 
fection. Esteem for womanhood and parent¬ 
age prevents the infliction of injustice or suffer¬ 
ing upon the mothers of the race, and encourages 
a spirit of true chivalry in men. The man who 
respects parentage thinks seriously upon ques¬ 
tions concerning the welfare of the mother and 
the child. It is a sin to bring diseased children 
into the world, and to hand on serious bodily and 
mental defects to the third and fourth generation. 

I hope you will marry while you are young. 


64 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


The postponement of marriage is one of the 
social problems of to-day, and one cause of sex¬ 
ual license and the deterioration of the race. I 
will write upon this question in my next letter. 


SEVENTH LETTER 


My dear Leonard,, —I wish to give you 
some sound reasons for early marriage. The 
pleas for wedded life in early manhood are Phy¬ 
siological, Racial, Social, and Mental and Moral. 
I will begin with the physical argument. As 
you know, the changes of puberty at fourteen or 
fifteen in a boy mark the beginning of the repro¬ 
ductive or parental period. At sixteen a youth 
might become a father, but that age is much too 
young for life-giving. Youth is the developing 
stage of manhood and virility. It is the time for 
bodily and mental growth, and not for reproduc¬ 
tion. A young man is not fully developed at 
twenty, and body growth may continue after that 
age. We are careful not to breed cattle or do¬ 
mestic animals from immature parents. It is in¬ 
finitely more important that we should not cre¬ 
ate human beings from undeveloped progenitors. 

When I write “early marriage” I don’t mean 
immature marriage . There are some men of 
twenty-one who might be vigorous parents; but 
I think the function of fatherhood should not be 
exercised until two or three years later. The 
ideal age has been fixed by some physiologists at 
twenty-five for a man. A woman of twenty- 
three is as fully mature as a man of twenty-five. 
I do not say that mental maturity is gained at 

65 


66 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


twenty-five. There must be inexperience of life 
at this early age. When can we say that a hu¬ 
man being is completely mature in intellect and 
feeling? This question cannot be decided defi¬ 
nitely. I often meet people who seem very im¬ 
mature, mentally and spiritually, in their middle 
age. 

Physically speaking, a man of twenty-five 
should be in the full vigor of manhood. If he 
is normally developed, he is fit for the duties of 
the conjugal life. At this age there is vigor. 
Growth has ceased, and at the cessation of growth 
we enter upon the stage when the exercise of the 
procreative function is permissible in the biologi¬ 
cal sense. 

There can be no more striking proof of the 
healthfulness of early marriage than the chances 
of life for the married and the unmarried. Men 
marrying at from twenty-five to thirty years of 
age are less liable to mortal disease than those 
who remain celibate. Out of 100,000 persons 
from twenty to eighty-five the deaths of the 
single far exceeded those of the married. From 
twenty-five to thirty there were 1369 deaths 
amongst the unmarried, against 865 among the 
married. The unmated are more numerous 
among the insane than the mated. There are 
more suicides by the unmarried than the married. 
Crime is commoner among celibates than the 
married. These facts show plainly that conju¬ 
gality is a healthier state of life than celibacy. 

Nature insists upon a harmonious exercise of 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


67 


all the organs and functions of the body as a de¬ 
sideratum of complete well-being of the physical 
organism and the mind. Prolonged celibacy is 
contrary to natural law. This state should not 
be protected, because the reproductive power of 
man is at its height from twenty-five to forty. 
Some vigorous men may have sound offspring 
after forty; but it has been noted that the male 
life germs are less numerous and not so active 
and potent in the later years of the middle period 
of life. 

In an early marriage there is probably always 
less risk of disharmony than in a late marriage. 
Men and women who marry after thirty-five are 
usually fixed in their habits of living and in 
thought. Wedlock involves mutual adaptation 
of modes of life, and a general agreement upon 
the main and vital questions is essential. There 
may be marked differences in minor matters, but 
the two should share the deeper opinions upon 
conduct or religion. In marital communion one 
must help the other intellectually and spiritually. 
Now a young couple can grow together in mind, 
but a middle-aged pair are not ordinarily so im¬ 
pressionable and able to accept new ideas. It 
is better to marry before the mind and habits 
have become “set.” 

Marriage has the effect of steadying a young 
man. It makes him industrious and persevering, 
and checks personal extravagance in the expen¬ 
diture of money. There must always be some 
anxiety in founding and providing for a family, 


G8 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


but there are great compensations in parenthood 
and a happy home life. The bachelor misses 
many of the rarer felicities, and in his old age 
he is often lonely and older in body and mind 
than a married man of the same age. 

I quite realize the practical difficulties in the 
way of early marriage. There is the great ques¬ 
tion of the cost of living. I know many young 
men who from the age of eighteen to twenty-six 
or older spend every penny that they earn upon 
transient pleasures. No doubt an enormous 
number of young men cannot save money from 
their scanty incomes. On the other hand, there 
are men who could marry at a reasonable age if 
they exercised thrift for a few years. They 
would at least have enough money to furnish a 
small house and to start wedded life in a humble 
way. 

A good and affectionate woman is willing to 
share impecuniosity with the man she loves. 
Often a wife is a man’s best counselor and in- 
spirer in the days of keen struggle with adverse 
circumstance. Rut if the income is very small, 
and the family increases rapidly, there will be 
distressing anxiety about ways and means. We 
are beginning to realize that it is wrong to bring 
children into the world if we cannot provide for 
them. Social reformers, several well-known 
physicians and some clergymen are now advocat¬ 
ing early marriage, and among them are those 
who believe that the prospect of a large family 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


69 


deters many young men and women from marry¬ 
ing in the best years of life. 

The question of limiting the numbers of chil¬ 
dren within the means of subsistence is becoming 
more important every year. It is not only a 
matter of cost to impecunious married people. 
Thoughtful and earnest men and women, con¬ 
cerned for the well-being and morality of the 
community, recognize that a host of women bear 
children who are fated to lifelong ill health 
and terribly handicapped by inferior physique. 
Mortality rates show plainly that the big families 
are the feeblest. We are learning that the reck¬ 
less production of quantity must be superseded 
by the production of the quality of human beings. 
Whenever the birth-rate is very high there is a 
marked tendency to disease and premature death. 
A reasonably low birth-rate accompanies a 
steady survival rate, and does not seriously di¬ 
minish population. This is a fact which is easily 
proved by the records of physical health, the 
improved stature of the community and general 
welfare in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, 
Holland and other countries where there is re¬ 
striction upon the too rapid increase of the peo¬ 
ple. 

When a woman has given birth to a child she 
needs a period of rest. The organs of reproduc¬ 
tion have been taxed severely, and there is more 
or less exhaustion necessitating recuperation. 
When pregnancy, or the shaping of the offspring 


70 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


in the womb, follows quickly upon a birth, both 
the mother and the child are sure to suffer. 
There should be a lapse of at least three years 
between each birth. Now a woman marrying 
at twenty might bear ten or twelve children be¬ 
fore the period of life when the capacity for re¬ 
production ceases. Unless she happened to be 
an exceptionally vigorous woman, this great 
strain would undoubtedly injure her constitution, 
and affect the vigor of her children. The chances 
of the death of children increase after each birth 
in a given number of families. The sixth or 
eighth child is almost always inferior in stamina 
to the earlier born child, and the later born chil¬ 
dren are the most likely to die prematurely. 

Small, or moderate, healthy families are un¬ 
questionably more valuable to society and the 
race than large unhealthy families. When the 
rate of death among infants is high it is a sign 
that the community is enfeebled, and that the 
surviving children are influenced by the weaken¬ 
ing of the stock. I believe that the time is not 
far off in the future when the unreflective and 
selfish reproduction of children will be con¬ 
demned on moral as well as hygienic principles. 
The civilized nations of the world will have to de¬ 
cide between unconsidered dysgenic breeding and 
eugenic breeding. The first is the reproduction 
that tends to national degeneration. Eugenics 
is the science of healthy reproduction of the hu¬ 
man family. 

The highly developed brain of man is the organ 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


71 


of thought and reason. Reproduction among 
the animals, that are guided almost entirely by 
instinct, is very different in many respects from 
reproduction in mankind. Animals cannot by 
forethought control the number of births. If the 
fish in a pool cannot find an outlet, and their 
number is not reduced by natural enemies, they 
frequently increase beyond the means of subsist¬ 
ence. When there are too many fish in the 
pond the shortage of food leads to degeneration, 
and the fish are dwarfed in growth and half 
starved. In a human community ruled by rea¬ 
son such deterioration of the stock is prevented 
by various means of obtaining food, by emigra¬ 
tion and by restraint upon procreation. In some 
countries over-population is checked by the kill¬ 
ing of female infants, or by destroying the un¬ 
born life in the body of the mother. The West¬ 
ern nations have abandoned these methods, and 
both ways of lessening the population are 
offenses against law and the accepted code of 
morality. 

How then shall we regulate the number of the 
family within the means of provision, nurture 
and education? At the 1916 Conference of the 
National Birth-Rate Commission, instituted by 
the National Council of Public Morals for the 
Promotion of Race Regeneration—Spiritual, 
Moral and Physical, the question of birth control 
was discussed at great length by well-known phy¬ 
sicians, clergymen and reformers. It was stated 
that “among conscientious and high-minded lay- 


72 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


men and women in the Anglican Church there 
are many who openly justify” certain measures 
adopted by married people for limiting the fam¬ 
ily, and that “this attitude has become far com¬ 
moner during the last few years.” 

At this Conference there were speakers who 
disapproved of the means of birth restriction now 
advocated by “high-minded” thinkers, although 
it can hardly be imagined that they disagreed 
with the statement of an authority who said that 
“a return to the reckless breeding of former 
times would cause increased poverty, distress, 
overcrowding, infant mortality, inefficiency and 
demoralization.” What I wish you to under¬ 
stand is that a growing number of men and 
women of sincere moral conviction and zeal for 
the improvement of the race believe conscien¬ 
tiously that the restriction of the number of 
the family by preventive measures is not only 
legitimate but necessary in all the over-populated 
countries. 

I would, at the same time, urge you to weigh 
this question very carefully in your mind before 
you marry. All social doctrines must be ex¬ 
amined cautiously. I advise you to read three 
New Tracts for the Times, promoted by the Na¬ 
tional Council of Public Morals— The Problem 
of Race-Regeneration, by Dr. Havelock Ellis; 
The Methods of Race-Regeneration, by C. W. 
Saleeby, M.D.; and The Declining Birth-Rate, 
by A. Newsholme, M.D. 

After a careful reading of these small books 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


73 


I would suggest that you read The Task of Social 
Hygiene and Essays in War-time by Havelock 
Ellis. These books should show you very clearly 
that race culture is a tremendously important 
topic, and encourage you to continue your study 
of this most vital of questions. You should be 
able, after looking at the subject from all points 
—moral, social, economic and hygienic—to make 
a decision as to the applicability of the new teach¬ 
ing in your married life. 

You will no doubt meet opponents who will 
offer objections. You will be told that the prac¬ 
tice is “unnatural/’ and some objectors will ad¬ 
vance moral considerations. I do not wish to 
bias you unduly in this or in any other great 
question. You must hear both sides and form 
your own judgment after due reflection and the 
examination of evidence for and against. I am 
convinced that early marriage and restricted 
families would tend to a diminution of much sex¬ 
ual irregularity, mental suffering, nervous dis¬ 
order, pecuniary trouble and disease. Thought¬ 
ful men and women in all parts of the world are 
beginning to recognize that a nation’s well-being 
and stability depend upon the quality and not the 
quantity of children born. 

There is the plainest medical evidence that the 
very large families are not the healthiest, and 
that the less vigorous parents in civilized com¬ 
munities produce the largest families of weakly 
and degenerate offspring. The lower we de¬ 
scend in the scale of evolution the greater the re- 


74 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


productive activity. In the higher mammals and 
mankind nature provides against an enormous 
increase of the species; but in over-populated 
countries there is still a tendency towards pov¬ 
erty, unemployment and want. 


EIGHTH LETTER 


My dear Boy^ — You complain quite reason¬ 
ably that most lads of your age are uninstructed 
in human reproduction. You say that you are 
“hazy” in your mind, and that the theories sug¬ 
gested by some of your schoolmates seem 
“absurd.” I can assure you that many men old 
enough to be grandfathers know no more than 
you of matters that concern the health, well-being 
and morals of the community and the individual. 
A very considerable number of the people in 
hospitals, asylums, institutions for the mentally 
defective, and prisons are there through the ter¬ 
ribly widespread ignorance of sexual physiology 
and hygiene. 

Physiology, as taught in the ordinary school, 
omits all reference to the racial or sexual organs, 
and to the process of conception, the formation of 
the human being before birth, and our coming 
into existence. Yet every normal boy or girl has 
a natural curiosity concerning the wonder of 
birth. It is truly amazing that a nation so en¬ 
lightened in many respects as the British has neg¬ 
lected such an important branch in education. 
The first thing to teach the young is how to live 
rightly. No ignorant person can develop his 
finest physical and mental powers. There must 


76 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


be knowledge for a lamp to the feet in treading 
the dangerous paths of human life. As I have 
often said, instinct utterly fails us in the more 
important affairs of the love-life. The untaught 
civilized child is helpless. He has to be in¬ 
structed in the rudiments of healthy living, and 
has often much less instinctive knowledge than a 
kitten. 

You know that insects, frogs, fish and birds 
are produced from eggs. The little green speck 
on a leaf contains the elements of the fully de¬ 
veloped, gorgeously colored butterfly. A tiny 
globule of jelly-like matter holds the germ of 
the mighty salmon. In the warm-blooded 
higher animals, the mammals that give milk to 
their young, the eggs or ova abound in most 
species from birth till old age. They exist in an 
immature state in the ovaries of newly born fe¬ 
male infants. 

At puberty, the great transition period from 
childhood to maturity, the ova increase in size, 
and each month they ripen and are ready for 
fertilization by the male sperm or seed. In 
every mature female ovary there are vast num¬ 
bers of ova awaiting full development. In every 
male seminal organ there are millions of sperms 
contained in a protecting fluid. When sexual 
congress occurs between the sexes, some of the 
male germs may meet a ripened female germ in 
the womb or uterus. The sperm (spermato¬ 
zoon) is very active, and is wonderfully directed, 
as though by magnetic influence, to the female 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 77 

ovum, which it quickly penetrates and fertilizes. 

The actual seeds of humanity can only be seen 
under a powerful microscope. The ovum is 
larger than the spermatozoon and probably much 
less mobile. Hence the nature of man is said 
to be symbolized in the ardent, adventurous 
racial germ, and the nature of woman in the more 
passive ovum. The marital conjunction of man 
and woman does not always result in impregna¬ 
tion or fertilization of the ovum. It happens fre¬ 
quently that no ripe ova are in the womb or in 
the ducts leading from the two ovaries. Once 
a month, in healthy women, ova ascend from the 
ovaries on both sides of the uterus through nar¬ 
row tubes or ducts. They are contained in a ves¬ 
sel or follicle, which bursts in the womb and liber¬ 
ates them. If the ova are not impregnated, they 
pass from the body. During the monthly prep¬ 
aration for life-giving, called menstruation, 
there are believed to be changes in the uterus. 
This causes a flow of sanious fluid— i.e. resem¬ 
bling blood—which is ejected from the body. 

As you have already had thoughts about mar¬ 
riage, I think this the right opportunity to point 
out the important part that periodicity or the 
monthly rhythm plays in the life of women. It 
is this function that chiefly differentiates female 
sex function from the male. We are not yet 
able to state with full certainty that men are sub¬ 
ject to monthly periods, as exhibited by an in¬ 
crease of ardor and some physical and mental 
signs. It is probable that such a rhythm exists 


78 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 

in man. But in women it is very marked, and 
affects not only the reproductive system, but the 
whole body and the mind and emotions. 

This influence of the menstrual process is ex¬ 
tremely important. Every husband ought to 
understand its nature, manifestations and results 
upon the woman he has vowed to cherish. It 
should be known that this preparation for con¬ 
ception is attended by at least considerable dis¬ 
comfort, if not positive suffering, amongst all 
civilized women, and especially among those lead¬ 
ing sedentary and indoor lives in the large towns. 
A savage woman escapes many of the risks of dis¬ 
order in this function, and probably a few very 
robust women of the advanced races, who lead 
healthy outdoor lives, are only slightly inconveni¬ 
enced at the period. But derangements of this 
function among the middle and upper class 
women of this country are common, and it is 
not too much to say that menstruation is always 
accompanied by bodily or mental symptoms sug¬ 
gesting temporary illness. 

It is clear, then, that the protective and tender 
feeling of man should express itself in increased 
sympathy, restraint of temper and close con¬ 
sideration during this periodic trial of the wife. 
When I tell you some of the penalties that 
women pay for the privilege of motherhood you 
will appreciate the need for a husband’s solici¬ 
tude. Only a few women are free during men¬ 
struation from internal pains, headache, indiges¬ 
tion and other disturbances. There are also 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


79 


graver disorders connected with the period, 
which often result in suffering of a serious kind 
and cause continual invalidism. 

The psychic (mental) signs are equally signi¬ 
ficant. Several experienced physicians agree 
that almost all women are, to a certain extent, to 
be judged as irresponsible for their behavior at 
the monthly crisis. It is a notable fact that a 
large number of women convicted of crimes com¬ 
mit offenses at this period, and there are author¬ 
ities on medical jurisprudence who think that the 
law should recognize temporaiy irresponsibility 
in some cases brought before courts. In the case 
of the most capable women there is a lessening of 
capacity at this time. The intellectual percep¬ 
tion may be clouded and concentration rendered 
difficult. Careful women are apt to break china 
accidentally. Skilled musicians lose their deli¬ 
cacy of touch, and some professional musicians 
realize this so keenly that they refuse to play be¬ 
fore audiences during the crisis. The voices of 
singers are often affected. There is a tendency 
to make mistakes. Some women, even of the 
most amiable type, become intensely irritable, 
and prone to find fault and to scold. Sometimes 
extreme anger is displayed with insufficient cause, 
or apparently without any cause. This in¬ 
creased sensitiveness should be understood and 
reckoned with. It has been said that the first 
clouds in married life always arise at this time. 
In many cases, no doubt, the husband is not con¬ 
scious of the suffering that transforms the nor- 


80 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


mal, even temper of his partner into irritableness 
or irascibility. 

Whenever a normally reasonable woman ap¬ 
pears strangely unreasonable, we should suspect 
that physical derangement is the probable cause. 
There are few women who do not repay in full 
the consideration shown to them during this try¬ 
ing time of the month. The love and esteem of 
a wife for her husband are deepened by the sym¬ 
pathetic understanding that her partner shows in 
these hours of trial. 

Man’s part in continuing the race is much 
simpler than the part played by woman. He is 
the fertilizing agent. Woman is the soil that 
brings forth life. The function of the father in 
generation is limited to a single physiological act. 
But for a long period after conception the mother 
fulfills several important duties. For nine 
months the babe is shaped within her, and long 
after the birth of the child she nourishes it from 
her breasts. In procreation the woman is the 
chief partner, and her whole life is directly and 
indirectly related to the giving of life. 

Nevertheless, fatherhood is a great responsi¬ 
bility. We inherit our good and evil traits and 
tendencies from both parents, or, more correctly 
speaking, from the ancestral germ-plasm. A 
vicious or diseased father hands on a heritage of 
illness and suffering to his children. An old man 
cannot beget very vigorous offspring. After the 
fifty-fourth year of a man’s life there is a change 
in the structure of the spermatozoa. After sixty 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


81 


some men lose the capacity of parentage, though 
they may retain the impulse to love. Healthy 
fatherhood depends upon virility. This word 
denotes manhood and reproductive power. 

The virile man is able to perform the office of 
generation in a normal manner. He is domi¬ 
nated by affection and tenderness towards the 
woman whom he has chosen as his wife and the 
mother of his children. His desire is towards 
her, and she is selected as his true mate from 
among other women. When a man is vigorous 
and naturally ardent we say that he is “potent.” 
If he is feeble, and unable to undertake the duties 
of husband and parent, we say that he is “im¬ 
potent.” In some instances impotence is the 
consequence of defects in the sexual organs, and 
in others it is functional or psychic. 

Impotence is sometimes induced by long-con¬ 
tinued excess in intercourse. It may arise also 
from too prolonged abstention and the defer¬ 
ment of marriage to a late age. Usually this 
disorder is curable. Sometimes a form of im¬ 
potence develops which is largely imaginary and 
due to apprehension. Some authorities give ex¬ 
cessive masturbation as a cause of impotence. 
There is no risk of this loss of virility for men 
who live regular and healthy lives. 

Generative power is often allied to strength 
of character and intellectual vigor as well as to 
physical force. A virile lover is energetic in 
seeking and wooing liis future partner. Such 
men are usually capable, industrious and active- 


82 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


minded. They are not vanquished by difficulties 
in courtship or in business, but make constant and 
determined efforts to overcome hindrances to suc¬ 
cess. This fact should convince us that the 
seminal fluid has a twofold use. An enfeebled 
voluptuary or a fanatical and extreme ascetic de¬ 
teriorates mentally as well as physically. There 
is a rigid natural law of use, and a penalty for 
misuse or disuse of any of our faculties and func¬ 
tions. 

As I have said before, the sex energy should 
be conserved during the stage of childhood and 
youthful growth. But it should be used in the 
best years of manhood in marriage and in giving 
life. If the force is not entirely used up in 
growth, or in mental and bodily activity, there is, 
as we have seen, a kind of safety-valve, as in¬ 
stanced in the spontaneous expulsion of seminal 
fluid during sleep. We must not suppose, how¬ 
ever, that this phenomenon is a perfect substi¬ 
tute for the normal expulsion of the germ cells 
as in married life. It is apparently a simple 
overflowing of the surcharged secreting glands 
of celibates, and it is only harmful when exces¬ 
sive. 

There is considerable difference in the virility 
of individuals. This is often overlooked by 
ill-informed writers and counselors. A man 
should know himself before he lays down rules 
of health. One person may be in every respect 
more vigorous at fifty than another at twenty. 
Generally virility begins at about eighteen and 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


83 


increases until its first signs of decline twenty 
years later. From forty-five to sixty-five there 
is a slow decline of virility in a large number of 
men. It is safe to say that the reproductive 
force of men is at its height for about twenty 
years, though the sexual power may last in some 
instances to an advanced age. There are cases 
of young men who do not arrive at puberty till 
over twenty, and in these instances there is some¬ 
times a loss of potency at fifty. These variations 
are by no means infrequent, and they are im¬ 
portant when considering questions of healthy 
parentage and the improvement of the race. 

The state of the general health of the body un¬ 
doubtedly influences the parental capacity. We 
know that alcohol quickly enters the blood 
stream, and if taken in large quantities it affects 
the semen. Diseases resulting from sexual vices 
also pollute the vital fluids of the body, and the 
poison may induce impotence in the man and 
sterility in the woman. 


NINTH LETTER 


My dear Leonard,— In my last letter I de¬ 
scribed briefly the process of impregnation, or 
the fertilization of the ovum. Every man on the 
threshold of marriage should know something of 
the function of gestation— e.g. the growth of the 
future human being in the body of the mother. 
Ignorance of the right care of prospective 
mothers is unfortunately very widespread, not 
only among the poor and the uneducated, but 
also among the well-to-do and the educated. 
Many wives become confirmed invalids through 
the ignorance of themselves and their partners. 
This is a serious reflection upon a “cultured” na¬ 
tion. The first duty of a community is to pro¬ 
tect the mother and the child. Actually we take 
a deeper interest in the breeding of horses, cattle 
and dogs than in the reproduction of human be¬ 
ings. 

After impregnation the monthly periods 
usually cease at once, or within a few weeks. 
The male and the female cells have united. The 
spermatozoon, measuring only %oo of an inch, 
has penetrated the ovum, which has a diameter of 
about M.20 of an inch. There is now a mingling 
of the parental characters. The fertilized cell 
of the woman begins to form generations of 
other cells by division, and these cells form a ball 
of living matter. 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


85 


Within this small mass of cells the embryo is 
developed. The ovum assumes an oval shape. 
For the first three weeks the embryo is a “flat 
disc floating on the surface of the yolk sac,” and 
soon a head and a tail may be seen. The ovum 
is sunk in the lining membrane of the womb in 
a cavity which is formed. 

There is a thickening of the membrane of the 
uterus, and after the third month the embryo is 
much increased in size. The foetus, as the shap¬ 
ing child is called, is fed by the mother’s blood 
through the placenta, an important organ, which 
is known as the “after-birth.” After the exit of 
the infant from the womb, through the vaginal 
passage, the placenta is ejected after the umbili¬ 
cal cord, which is attached to the navel of the 
baby, has been severed. The placenta supplies 
both nourishment and respiration to the embryo. 
Necessary gases are conveyed to the foetus from 
the parent’s blood by a process known as osmosis. 

If the blood of the mother is affected by dis¬ 
ease germs, or by the poison arising from alco¬ 
holic excess, the health of the infant will certainly 
suffer. At the end of the first month of growth 
in the womb the embryo is about one inch long 
and curved. The heart is seen at an early stage 
of development. Later the head begins to shape 
into the human type and the rudimentary tail 
disappears. In three months there is a consider¬ 
able change in size and structure, and in about 
four months the sex of the foetus can be noted. 
The head increases in size, and hair begins to 


85 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


grow. In the seventh month the embryo weighs 
about 2 X /2 lb. At the end of the fortieth week 
the weight of the infant should be 7 lb, and birth 
then occurs. 

During child-bearing there are many changes 
in the body of the mother, usually of a beneficial 
character, but sometimes attended by painful 
symptoms. Pregnant women are apt to suffer 
from nausea, toothache and nervous disturbances, 
but, generally speaking, good health attends ges¬ 
tation. The mental signs are important, es¬ 
pecially in young wives bearing the first child. 
It is now the husband’s duty to show every 
consideration, sympathy and tenderness. He 
should avoid any exciting discussions, and pre¬ 
serve a happy, tranquil atmosphere in the home. 

An eminent women’s physician has written: 
“A woman is filled with expectation and anxiety 
concerning the unknown event, the complete rev¬ 
olution in her organization, the powerful im¬ 
pressions on her physical ego, the formation of a 
new being within her womb. How many joy¬ 
ful hopes, how many distressing fears are con¬ 
nected with that which is about to take place, 
with the act of creation within her bosom; what 
changeful glimpses into the future, on the one 
hand the gladness, on the other the terror, of 
motherhood; often, also, the anxious doubts as to 
the probable sex of the new-comer.” 

The nervous manifestation of pregnancy are 
often irritability, anxiety and variableness of 
mood. This great work of creation is likely to 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


87 


cause some emotional unrest as well as expectant 
happiness. It is suspected that the circulation 
of the blood in the brain of the prospective 
mother is influenced by the circulation in the 
placenta. Curious disorders of taste may arise, 
and craving for certain kinds of foods or an un¬ 
usual diet. If the woman has a tendency to 
hysteria, there may be attacks during the gesta¬ 
tion period. Everything must be done to pro¬ 
tect the wife from shocks, unpleasant sights, un¬ 
due excitement and anxiety. 

It may be said that every part of the mother’s 
organism is taxed during child-bearing. The 
heart is called into new activity, and if that organ 
is weak or diseased there is serious risk. Rest 
for some weeks before and after giving birth is 
absolutely essential. Every woman, married or 
single, should be encouraged to rest during at 
least one or two days of the monthly period, and 
generally to “take life quietly” at this time. In 
pregnancy repose is even more important. It is 
really terrible to reflect upon the immense injury 
inflicted upon mothers of the working class, and 
in many instances of the better-off class, through 
exertion following too quickly upon delivery. I 
wish to impress upon you that opportunity for 
rest is the first of women's rights during the puer - 
perium or child-producing stage of life . Our 
neglect of this hygienic law is barbarous and 
cruel. 

Another of our social sins is the too frequently 
recurrent pregnancy, which grievously impairs 


88 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


the health of women, damages offspring and re¬ 
sults in deterioration of the race. The human 
soil is impoverished by over-production and the 
fruit is poor and diseased. All the organs con¬ 
cerned in generation need rest and recuperation 
after childbirth. The distended uterus must be 
allowed to recover its normal size before another 
impregnation of an ovum. There should be 
complete recovery from the severe strain of 
pregnancy and parturition (labor). There is no 
sound excuse for the husbands who enforce too 
rapidly following pregnancies upon their unfor¬ 
tunate wives. Ignorance is not a valid plea. It 
is the primary normal duty of a man about to 
marry and to procreate offspring to learn the 
rules of conjugal hygiene. Such knowledge is 
quite as essential as a training for business. The 
sins and errors of married life menace the whole 
of the community and the race in the present and 
the future. 

Labor, or parturition, is painful, and is often 
attended with risk of injury to the mother. 
Usually a woman suffers most in giving birth to 
her first child. After thirty-five there are more 
chances of complication in childbirth. Displace¬ 
ment or falling of the womb is a common disorder 
in both married and single women, and a source 
of bodily disability and mental depression. 
Most of the risks and derangements attending 
motherhood could be avoided if civilized women 
would lead healthier and more natural lives. 
Not many years ago a large number of women 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 89 


died through puerperal fever, a serious ailment 
resulting from lack of hygienic care. 

After delivery the mother requires some weeks 
of rest, and every husband should make this pos¬ 
sible. Many wives are injured for life by be¬ 
ginning active household or business duties 
within a few days, and sometimes even a few 
hours, of undergoing the great strain of child¬ 
birth. When the birth is normal, and the mother 
vigorous, there is an improvement in health and 
vitality. Every woman should be able to feed 
her infant from the breast; but artificial living 
and errors have deprived a considerable number 
of mothers from exercising this function. The 
breast-fed child has a better chance of health and 
strength than one reared by artificial feeding. 


TENTH LETTER 


My dear Leonard,— The differences in the 
sexes are called Primary and Secondary. The 
first refers to the organs of reproduction and the 
second to the other distinguishing physical and 
mental characters. The differences in nervous 
organization and the chemistry of the body give 
the masculine and the feminine qualities. Man 
is larger-boned, more muscular and thicker 
skinned than woman. His hair is less abundant 
on the head and coarser in texture, and his fea¬ 
tures more rugged and less mobile. 

The active sperm, or male element, is some¬ 
times cited as a type of masculine qualities. 
This germ of life is extremely active, whereas the 
female ovum is more passive, and represents the 
feminine tendency to repose. Man is the natural 
hunter, protector of the family and warrior. 
Woman is the maker of the home, the initiator 
of the peaceful arts and industries, and probably 
the first inventor. She possesses a deep affection 
for offspring, which is the source of her sense of 
sympathy, pity, and her desire to protect and 
cherish. There is little doubt that women were 
the early domesticators of animals and the first 
to till the soil. 

Man is restless, adventurous and combative. 
He shows greater variation from the normal 

90 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 91 

than woman. There are more men than women 
among the great scientific discoverers, artists, 
poets, founders of faiths and great teachers. 
The tendency to variation is also shown by the 
greater number of idiots and criminals in the 
male sex. Color-blindness is comparatively rare 
among women. Men are somewhat less resis¬ 
tant to disease than women, and male babies are 
more liable to die than female. Women, gener¬ 
ally speaking, live longer than men. 

I will now describe some of the chief physical 
differences of man and woman. The trunk is 
longer, in the relative sense, in woman than in 
man, and the ribs straighter. Men are taller 
and bigger than women. One of the most im¬ 
portant variations is the pelvis, the ring of bone, 
or girdle, that supports the upper part of the 
body. In women the pelvis is broad and rela¬ 
tively larger than in men. Every one born into 
the world passes through the pelvic ring. 
Among the quadrupeds birth is a much easier 
process than among the bipeds. The pelvis of 
the woman has been developed both as a support 
and to facilitate delivery; but as the young of 
the human species tend to be somewhat too big 
for an easy passage through the bony ring, the 
pains and risks of childbirth are increased. For¬ 
tunately, as human heads grow larger the pelvic 
girdle widens. 

Besides some differences in the shape of the 
skull of men and women, there is a difference in 
the brain weight. Man’s brain weighs more than 


92 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


woman’s, and this has often been accepted as a 
proof of the superiority of masculine intelligence. 
In relation to their body weight, the brains of 
women are as large as men’s and sometimes 
larger. Now a big brain is not always a good 
thinking organ. The bigger the brain, the 
more blood required to make it work, and it 
sometimes happens that large brains are badly 
supplied with blood. Some insane persons have 
heavy brains; and idiots often possess fully de¬ 
veloped frontal lobes, which were formerly con¬ 
sidered the seat of intellect. There is nothing 
to be learned from brain weight concerning the 
alleged intellectual superiority of one sex over 
another. 

The viscera (internal organs) differ in the two 
sexes. Women have rather larger stomachs than 
men in relation to bodily size and weight, and 
the same superiority in size has been noted in the 
female liver. An important organ in both men 
and women is the thyroid gland in the front part 
of the neck. This gland is larger in women than 
in men. It is undoubtedly connected in an inti¬ 
mate manner with the womb. At the first men¬ 
strual course the thyroid enlarges, and occasion¬ 
ally it swells at each menstruation. This organ 
affects the mind as well as the body. If diseased, 
the symptoms may be goiter or excessive swelling, 
or cretinism, a form of idiocy. There are also 
other bodily and mental disorders, such as 
Graves’ disease and myxoedema, arising from this 
mysterious gland. 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 93 

The tone of the voice depends upon the larynx 
in the throat. Your voice “broke,” as it is called, 
at the oncoming of puberty. Women’s voices 
do not undergo this change. The larynx of 
woman is smaller than that of man and the voice 
higher but weaker. 

There is a greater tendency in woman than in 
man to store up fat in the body. The more 
rounded form of woman is caused by this deposi¬ 
tion of fat, as shown in the breasts and the thighs. 
This reserve of fat is essential for the process of 
life-giving. The chief constituents of the blood 
of the higher animals are plasma, white cor¬ 
puscles and red corpuscles. Woman’s blood is 
watery as compared with man’s and has fewer 
red corpuscles. The heart of a woman beats 
quicker than the heart of a man. 

The maternal function gives a cast to the mind 
and emotions of women. Even the little girl is 
more interested in young children, in helpless 
creatures, and notably in dolls, than her small 
brother. This mother-feeling dominates the ma¬ 
jority of women. The character of a woman 
depends primarily upon her physiological traits 
and her hereditary tendencies, and the same may 
be said concerning man. But woman is more in¬ 
fluenced than man by the racial energy or re¬ 
productive part of her being. This is expressed 
by the saying: “Love is woman’s whole exist¬ 
ence.” In mythology Love and Peace are rep¬ 
resented by women. Motherhood may be re¬ 
garded as a continuous process; for the germs 


94 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


of the race begin to appear in the girl child, and 
their ripening every month after puberty mani¬ 
fests Nature’s solicitude for reproduction. In 
the wonderful chemistry of the female body 
there is a constant preparation for the giving of 
life, and this process has its marked results upon 
the mind and the feeling of woman. 

A glandular secretion mingling with the blood 
stream arouses a tender emotion or a profound 
longing in the bosom of a woman. The yearn¬ 
ings of the heart and the thoughts of the brain 
influence the womb and the organs of genera¬ 
tion. There is a constant interplay of body and 
mind. Sex is more massive and pervasive in 
women than in men. I do not imply that women 
are more impelled than men to seek the physical 
gratifications of sex. Broadly speaking, men 
are more preoccupied with these pleasures than 
women. The erotic impulse in men is powerful, 
but its expression is often restricted, and in the 
lower psychic types its sole object is sensual satis¬ 
faction. With women love, especially at its out¬ 
set, is founded upon higher sentiment, and in 
some instances the physiological manifestations 
are but feebly aroused. Undoubtedly it is a law 
of Nature that Man should seek actively an ob¬ 
ject of his love, and that Woman should be wooed 
before she can be won. 

Love in women is more diffused than among 
men. The primal instinct of man is to select the 
woman who appeals to him by her beauty of 
countenance or comeliness of form. This con- 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


95 


sideration is not paramount in women. The 
woman is attracted by strength or force, not 
always by physical strength alone, but by the 
qualities that make “character.” A masculine 
type of woman will prefer a man of compliant na¬ 
ture, or one who is slightly feminine, and the 
feminine woman will be attracted by powerful 
manliness. There are, of course, exceptions to 
this rule. 

Women are more emotional and less “ra¬ 
tional” than men; but the lesser manifestation of 
reasoning power in women is not a natural limi¬ 
tation. It is not true that men act from reason 
alone, nor is it true that women always act from 
feeling alone. Some women are more logical 
than men. But generally men display a deeper 
appreciation of scientific accuracy than women. 
This is, no doubt, due to the fact that women’s 
education has been upon different lines from the 
education of men. For hundreds of centuries 
men have opposed the wider education of women. 
Man suffers to-day from woman’s defective in¬ 
tellectual development, and our sex is beginning 
to recognize at last that physical charms are not 
the only desirable attractions in women. The 
age of the adorable simpleton woman is coming 
to an end. There are signs that women through¬ 
out the civilized world are actually overtaking 
men in the march of mind. 

Education may modify some of the feminine 
characteristics, but it certainly will not destroy 
emotion, maternal love and sympathy for the op- 


96 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 

posite sex. There is every reason for believing 
that education will refine and exalt sex love. 
The spiritual men and women are found among 
the cultured classes. Whenever the intellectual 
faculties are exercised there is a reaction upon 
the emotional nature. The unintellectual are 
usually satisfied with the animal sensations. 
They miss the finer pleasures of the psychic kind. 


ELEVENTH LETTER 


My dear Leonard,— I discussed some of the 
secondary sex differences of man and woman in 
my last letter. It is very important that the 
sexes should appreciate these differing charac¬ 
ters. When you hear people talk of “sex antag¬ 
onism,you should ask them what they mean by 
this expression. Undoubtedly there are marked 
differences in the two sexes, but this does not 
necessarily involve hostility. I think it is more 
accurate to describe the attitude of the sexes as 
misunderstanding . It has been said that a 
woman is a woman from her head to her little 
toes. This is perfectly true in the psychic or 
mental and moral sense also—that is to say, 
women, like men, think in terms of their tem¬ 
perament and general “make-up” of the body. 

The differing emotion of men and women re¬ 
garding love is one of the sources of disagree¬ 
ment. The qualities of reserve, cautiousness and 
prudence are necessary in the female sex, not 
only in the personal sense, but for racial well¬ 
being. Woman is the supreme parent. She 
acts unconsciously, and sometimes quite con¬ 
sciously, in the interest of her unborn offspring. 
This selective precaution is instinctive in the fe¬ 
males among animals. The young female re¬ 
jects the old male and the feeble mate, and shows 
97 


98 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


favor to the young and the vigorous protector of 
the brood. When a woman loves a man, the 
maternal feeling is frequently manifest in her 
conscious thought, and perhaps always in the 
subsconscious self. 

Men possess the parental emotion, but not in 
the same degree as women. Man is the fertilizer 
and the impregnator; woman is the bearer and 
the producer. The babe is formed in and from 
the bodjr of the mother. Men usually dissociate 
the conjugal embrace from a generative goal; 
but women more often associate this act with the 
giving of life. Sexual intercourse must always 
be a more momentous matter for the woman than 
for the man; for its result may be conception, 
the long process of gestation and the trials of 
childbirth. 

Nature has shrewdly contrived that the two 
sexes shall find joy in each other, and experience 
desire to unite. The exercise of the reproduc¬ 
tive impulse has been made pleasurable with a 
definite object. Without accompanying plea¬ 
sure of mind and body both the nutritive and the 
sexual functions are very liable to disorder. In 
women the physical response to the erotic emo¬ 
tion is often far more complicated than in men. 
We may say that the origin of wooing is the 
necessity for awakening ardor in the female, and 
overcoming her vague sense of fear and tendency 
to resistance. I need scarcely give you instances 
of the immense importance of courtship through¬ 
out nature from insects to mankind. 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 


99 


Courtship in the animals is probably a simple 
matter of automatic or instinctive action. Once 
or twice a year, and in some instances more fre¬ 
quently, the mammals feel powerful pairing im¬ 
pulses. Certain states of the organs of genera¬ 
tion give rise to the phenomenon known as 
“heat” or “rut.” At this period, which occurs 
among many animals in the spring, there is a 
strong sexual obsession, and enormous activity 
is expended in seeking and alluring partners. 
After the wooing and pairing period love among 
the animals becomes a simple latent force, and 
desire disappears. 

We cannot compare reasonably the love emo¬ 
tion of animals with the human passion of love. 
The problem of continence does not trouble 
animals living in natural conditions. In man¬ 
kind the wish to give and to receive love is per¬ 
ennial. Love is, for the human species, inti¬ 
mately associated with all that is most precious 
and sacred in life. Above the mere physical 
yearning, the cultured man and woman experi¬ 
ences an extremely wide range of complex emo¬ 
tions. These feelings are in the unconscious 
rnind of the young child, whose first expression 
of love is towards the mother who feeds it from 
her breasts and tends it with constant devotion. 
Our whole Jives are a reaching out of pleading 
hands for love, sympathy and human commun¬ 
ion. “He who loves not lives not.” 

In the females among the birds and the 
mammalia we trace the coyness, modesty and 


100 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


apprehension that are manifested in a host of 
subtle forms in the highly developed woman of 
the civilized nations to-day. The “gesture of 
refusal” is shown by the bashful maiden whose 
kiss is sought by her lover. All the hesitancies, 
resistances, coquetries and varying moods of a 
woman during courtship must not be always at¬ 
tributed to artifice, prudery or pretense. They 
are the manifestations of some of the oldest in¬ 
stincts in living creatures. But it is just these 
apparently inscrutable capricious acts that be¬ 
wilder men, and give rise to all kinds of mas¬ 
culine assumptions and generalizations upon 
the moodiness, uncertainty and variableness of 
women. Instinctively every normal woman rec¬ 
ognizes that she requires a tactful, skillful lover 
to awaken the pure flame of passion in her bosom. 
The female bower-bird is enticed to pairing by 
the male who shows the greatest aesthetic taste 
in the decoration of the nest. The savage 
maiden selects the lover who has proved himself 
heroic in warfare, the good hunter and the adept 
in courting. 

The natural and very ancient dread of the force 
of the passion of love, and the sense of shame, 
which has been immensely deepened by ethical 
and religious ideas, are apparently more pro¬ 
found in women than in men. We speak of 
“feminine modesty,” “the coyness of the maiden.” 
“womanly delicacy,” and in many other phrases 
the reserved or the timorous attitude of women 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 101 


towards sex is commonly conveyed. It follows, 
therefore, that in wooing the male sex play a 
leading part, or at least one more active or ag¬ 
gressive than that of the female. The art of 
love for man is the understanding of the soul of 
woman. 

You will meet men and women who smile at 
the idea of love-making as something that can 
be taught. “Nature” or “instinct” causes a man 
to fall in love; but instinct may fail him dis¬ 
astrously in the guidance of conduct in court¬ 
ship, and more especially in marriage. If a lover 
does not try to understand the feminine human 
heart, and all the elusive mental and emotional 
traits that belong to woman, he imperils his own 
happiness as well as that of his partner in mar¬ 
ried life. Marriage is the closest of all human 
intimacies } and can only he successful when the 
intimacy is complete } both in the psychic and 
physical sphere. 

Now, as man is the initiator in married love, 
it is his duty to equip his mind with the essential 
knowledge. That brides should be in a state of 
ignorance, or imperfectly informed, concerning 
the physiological side of conjugal life is a 
monstrous anomaly and sheer cruelty. This 
ignorance is the hidden cause of married misery 
in both sexes. Without parental direction a 
child does not know what he should eat or drink, 
and all sensible parents are careful to instruct 
their children in matter of feeding, cleanliness 


102 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


and attention to health. But in questions of 
sexual hygiene the great mass of civilized and 
educated people are profoundly ignorant. 

Marriage is a physical and spiritual union. If 
we make light of either of the elements of con¬ 
jugality we imperil both. This is why I would 
urge every young man and woman of the marry¬ 
ing age to learn the laws of healthy wedlock be¬ 
fore risking their happiness and physical well¬ 
being in a haphazard marriage. There are rules 
of conjugal health which the married should ob¬ 
serve in their own interest and the welfare of 
their children. This knowledge does not arise 
instinctively or automatically. It is the result 
of human reflection, experience and accumulated 
reason. 

The results of ignorance are only too evident 
in all the civilized communities. Men and 
women enter matrimony without giving as much 
thought to questions of heredity, reproduction, 
sex hygiene, the rearing of infants and the care 
of children as they devote to the furnishing of 
the parlor. At least half of the specific diseases 
of women arise from a want of knowledge on 
the part of their husbands and themselves. A 
young man who has contracted a venereal com¬ 
plaint may imagine that the virus has disap¬ 
peared from his system. But the germs may 
still lurk in his blood and the cells of life, and, to 
his amazement and shame, he may infect his wife 
and poison his offspring. A bride who has never 
learned the care of health during menstruation, 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 103 


pregnancy and the suckling of her babe may be¬ 
come an invalid, or develop nervous symptoms. 
Excess in marital intercourse may produce in¬ 
fertility or a serious weakening of the sperms. 
From the same cause functional disorder may 
arise, or there may be mental depression, or an 
incapacity for sustained application. There 
may be also mental and nervous trouble through 
undue repression. 

The right way in marriage is the sure road of 
hygienic knowledge, consideration, sympathy, 
confidence and forbearance. If marriages were 
based entirely upon the intellectual sympathies 
the union could be likened to an ordinary friend¬ 
ship. But wedlock is not only an intimate com¬ 
panionship. It is a linking of the bodies and 
souls of a pair of human beings for their personal 
ends and the continuance of the race. The love 
of a man and woman is their own private concern 
until they give citizens to the commonwealth. 
When the two become parents their conduct has 
a profound social significance. They may give 
life to healthy children who will serve the com¬ 
mon weal, or to weaklings and defectives who 
will become a burden upon the community. 

You may ask: “What is my own individual 
responsibility in this matter?” I will tell you. 
Your responsibility begins before marriage. It 
is your duty to yourself and to society to pre¬ 
serve the purity of the racial germs in your body. 
In choosing a wife you should not attach the 
highest importance to beauty, but to character, 


104 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


vigor and sympathy. I do not mean that phy¬ 
sical charms are negligible. But it is certain that 
kindness is a more durable quality than “beau¬ 
teous looks,” and that a healthy wife is more 
likely to experience happiness and to add to your 
own felicity than one who is ailing and feeble. 
T am not counseling a cold discrimination. 
Tailing in love cannot be planned like a business 
project. Nevertheless, both men and women are 
often misled by impulsiveness and passion, and 
become plighted lovers without a necessary un¬ 
derstanding of one another’s views, tastes, pre¬ 
judices and temperamental adaptability. 

Before marriage you should have a fair general 
knowledge of human physiology and the differ¬ 
ences in the constitution of man and woman. 
You should know some of the main facts of em¬ 
bryology and reproduction, and the laws of 
marital hygiene. Unless you know some of the 
deepest yearnings and tenderest emotions of the 
woman who will be your constant companion in 
hours of joy, sorrow, stress and trial you will 
scarcely hope to become her most cherished and 
intimate friend. A perfect confidence should 
be established between you and your betrothed. 
There should be complete frankness in the ex¬ 
pression of the most sacred wishes of the heart; 
or the day may come when your wife will re¬ 
flect, “This is not the man whom I loved as a 
wooer,” or in your own mind may arise the mis¬ 
giving that you have erred in choice. Remem¬ 
ber that it is fatal to suppress or hide the deeper 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 105 


sentiments and desires during courtship and en¬ 
gagement. 

In your endeavor to understand the psyche of 
woman, which is the beginning of the art of con¬ 
jugal love, you must not be swayed by the com¬ 
mon generalizations of men in the smoking-room, 
nor by the ordinary commonplaces of women 
themselves. Men who know nothing of feminine 
psychology frequently utter very pronounced 
opinions about women. And women who have 
been long miseducated concerning their desires 
and emotions frequently deceive themselves un¬ 
consciously. As I said when we were walking 
from Barmouth to Dolgelley, “education teaches 
us almost everything except a knowledge of our 
own nature. 5 ’ 

Association with the opposite sex will teach 
you practical lessons in the behavior of women, 
the attitude that they adopt towards the most 
intimate problems in their lives, and their views 
upon marriage. But until you have gained the 
love and the trust of an affectionate and intelli¬ 
gent woman, you will not know much concern¬ 
ing the real nature that lies beneath a conven¬ 
tional veneer. For you must realize that can¬ 
dor concerning the secrets of the soul is more 
difficult for a woman than a man. But beneath 
this reserve imposed by custom you will discover 
many emotions and longings, which will win your 
sympathy as a being of like human passions, 
doubts, conflicts and aspirations. 

This entente between man and woman is the 


106 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


dearest and holiest thing in life. I think that 
love is another word for ‘understanding.” 
Every sensitive soul—and most women are sen¬ 
sitive—longs and aches to be “understood.” 
When we know that there is at least one person 
in the world who loves us through understand¬ 
ing the best and the worst that constitutes our 
ego, one of the profoundest of human cravings 
is satisfied. 


TWELFTH LETTER 


My dear Lad.,—I was very pleased to receive 
your letter, the other day, announcing that you 
intend to marry in June. Our correspondence 
has been rather irregular during the past five 
years, owing to your absence in Canada. I am 
very glad that you have “found a jewel of a 
girl,” and from your letter I judge that she will 
be a true helpmate and a loving wife. As you 
say, you have both decided to marry while you 
are young. You are not rich, but your prospects 
are good, and I believe you will succeed with 
the farm and the stockyard. 

You told me some months ago that you were 
engaged, and, as you have been much together, 
you should know each other’s merits, tastes and, 
I may say, foibles also. I see no reason why 
you should prolong the engagement period. Ac¬ 
cept my warmest congratulations! 

The tone of your letter assures me that you 
are anxious for the happiness of your bride. I 
have never suggested that there is a royal road 
to married happiness; but I maintain that love 
is an art that can be learned, and that marriage 
should be a prolongation of courtship. Further, 
I believe that preparation for matrimony is 
essential, and that plighted lovers should recog¬ 
nize clearly the nature of the emotional and phy- 
107 


108 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


sical bond that unites them. I have seen so much 
disaster and misery among uninformed husbands 
and wives that I would do all in my power to 
spread enlightenment. 

Many apparently “good matches” are unsuc¬ 
cessful. There are causes of conjugal dishar¬ 
mony and contention apart from poverty, infidel¬ 
ity, intemperance and ill temper. These are the 
subtle, hidden, often unrecognized, disharmonies. 
Something indefinable is lacking in the union. 
People say that the couple are “incompatible.” 
But whence arises this disunion? The secret 
source may be only suspected by the one or both 
of the pair, or it may entirely elude them. 

Ignorance and distorted or perverted ideas of 
the sex relationship are responsible for the seem¬ 
ingly inscrutable discord that exists in many mar¬ 
riages. Men and women, who pledge themselves 
to love and cherish one another at the altar, too 
frequently bind themselves, without full reflec¬ 
tions, to a difficult responsibility. Passion, affec¬ 
tion and sympathy may exist in the courting days, 
and yet after marriage the pair are conscious of 
“a rift in the lute.” Now desire and fervor are 
prime essentials in love, but without knowledge of 
marital behavior even these essentials may not 
prove sufficient. 

Powerful instinct and ardent love alone do not 
teach us biological facts. Man is a reasoning 
animal. If he ceases to use his reasoning faculty, 
he is bound to err in any undertaking, and per¬ 
haps more in married conduct than in any other 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 109 


great matter! The man who ceases to woo a 
bride, as he wooed her while a virgin, risks con¬ 
jugal concord. Courtship is not simply a pre¬ 
liminary of wedlock. Every union during mar¬ 
ried life is abnormal or incomplete unless pre¬ 
ceded by wooing. Man alone among the animal 
kingdom imposes physical union upon an irre¬ 
sponsive or unwilling female partner. In this 
fact you will find a clue to many mysterious in¬ 
stances of conjugal unhappiness. 

No husband can retain the love and esteem of 
his wife if he fails to recognize that, throughout 
the realm of animal life, the male does not ap¬ 
proach the female when she is unaroused. In 
human beings there is a law of sexual periodicity, 
which is plainly manifested by women, and prob¬ 
ably in a much less marked degree by men. It is 
the opinion of some physiological investigators 
that there is a normal fortnightly rhythm in 
woman. That is to say, the desires are dormant 
for several days in each month in the majority 
of women. Obviously there must be more or 
less reluctance, if not repugnance, to the advances 
of the husband in the period of passivity. 

There is a more general belief that the impulse 
is at its height a few days before and sometimes 
immediately after the monthly crisis. Probably 
there is variation among women in this respect. 
It is the duty of every husband to discover his 
wife’s wish, and to refrain from intercourse when 
she is disinclined. I do not think we can over¬ 
rate the misunderstandings, quarrels, estrange- 


110 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


merits, separations and even divorces that are 
brought about by the neglect of this very im¬ 
portant marital rule. It is perfectly true that 
“rape is often committed in marriage”; not 
always by men of a brutal disposition, but by 
those who have never attempted to learn the na¬ 
ture of women. 

This union loses its sacramental significance, 
and is wrong in the hygienic sense, when there 
is not perfect accord between husband and wife. 
It is believed by some physicians that unless the 
act is reciprocal there is a risk of infertility on 
the part of the wife. There is no doubt that 
enforced embraces often affect the psychic 
(emotional) being, and cause nervous injury. 
Irritability, discontent and despondency are 
traceable in many married women to the errors 
of conjugal living. Occasionally the mental and 
neural symptoms are more serious. There are 
also physical derangements resulting from a neg¬ 
lect of hygienic law in marriage. After pro¬ 
longed unhealthy cohabitation heart symptoms 
may occur, or internal injuries, especially in the 
reproductive organs of women, may ensue. 
Many husbands, even among the educated classes, 
impair the health of their wives through sheer 
ignorance of conjugal hygiene. I am glad to 
know that you will not enter upon the most 
solemn of human responsibilities in a state of 
ignorance. 

There is so close an affinity of spirit and body 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 111 

in wedlock that it is impossible to make a clear 
distinction betweeen the two elements, and to af¬ 
firm that if there is spiritual attraction nothing 
else counts as important. We often see in¬ 
stances of married pairs who esteem one another 
sincerely, and live without open strife, But no 
one can say such marriages are ideal, or even 
fairly happy, examples of consummated love. 
We can respect without loving. The real adap¬ 
tation is psychic-physical. The twain shall be 
one flesh. This oneness is dependent upon tem¬ 
peramental adaptation, nervous organization and 
the observance of the natural laws of sex life, in 
the same degree as it is dependent upon the affec¬ 
tion and esteem that are evoked during wooing 
and courtship. 

Husbands and wives are largely responsible 
for the mental and physical welfare of one an¬ 
other. Any neglect of this responsibility affects 
the children of the union as well as the parents. 
Unsuccessful and unhappy marriage is not only 
an affair of two persons. It has influences upon 
society, posterity and the race. Fortunately 
married persons diffuse an atmosphere of love in 
the home, and among their friends and associates, 
and this is the love that unites groups or clans 
into societies and nations. Love is integrating; 
hate is disintegrating. 

Men should know that women think and act 
in accordance with the ineradicable feminine in¬ 
stincts and emotions. Women should recognize 


112 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


that men are dominated by powerful masculine 
impulses. Disharmony or antagonism arises 
when man thinks that his helpmate ought to feel> 
think and behave in relation to life and love ex¬ 
actly as he feels, thinks and behaves . If the 
sexes were alike in the secondary characteristics 
of mind and body the main shx attraction would 
not exist. Two halves are necessary for forming 
the perfect whole. Man desires woman’s comeli¬ 
ness, tenderness and sympathy, and all the virtues 
that he classes as “feminine”; but he complains 
when he is confronted with the affectability, sen¬ 
sitiveness and waywardness that spring from the 
same source as the qualities that he craves in a 
wife. Woman is apt to forget that the masculine 
attributes of forcefulness, restlessness and ag¬ 
gression have the same physiological origin as 
the chivalrous sense, the desire to protect and the 
passionate longing for possession. 

When we state that women are more nervous 
than men, we should understand clearly what we 
mean by “nervous.” It is often said that 
“modern women tend to be neurotic and hysteri¬ 
cal.” Unquestionably the nerve structure of 
woman is more delicate than man’s; but this is 
no evidence of abnormality. On the contrary, 
highly-strung women and men are among the 
finest types of humanity. You know that a 
thoroughbred horse is more spirited, nervous and 
restive than a half-bred one. But you know also 
that these qualities accompany courage, tenacity 
in endurance and capacity for severe exertion. 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 113 


The “nervous” human being, is therefore, only 
abnormal or morbid when he or she is unduly re¬ 
sponsive to stimuli. 

Most of the charming and intelligent women 
of our time are neurotic in the sense that their 
nervous systems and their brains are acutely re¬ 
sponsive to stimulations. The woman who starts 
and exclaims at the sudden slamming of a door 
is not necessarily a neurasthenic, or a sufferer 
from nervous disorder. The same woman may 
behave with the utmost calmness in the "e of 
danger, such as a fire or a shipwreck. There are 
plenty of instances of nervous women who have 
shown heroic bravery and set an example to timid 
men in moments of peril. If affectability is 
sometimes the cause of alarm and fear in women, 
or a source of irritableness and anger, it is none 
the less the quality that impels them to splendid 
actions and noble self-sacrifices. 

We must not allow ourselves to be misled by 
the common opinions upon the “contrariness” of 
women. There is a physical and mental basis 
for the affectability of women and their tendency 
to variability in mood. Some normally aimable 
and well-controlled women are liable to aberra¬ 
tions in behavior at critical periods, such as men¬ 
struation, during pregnancy, and at the climac¬ 
teric, or “change of life,” between the age of 
forty and fifty. The bodily, mental and emo¬ 
tional symptoms are in many cases greatly exag¬ 
gerated by a neglect of health, the ignorance of 
husbands, insufficient rest, too much strain in 


114 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


child-bearing, and the cares of daily life. You 
will realize that a husband’s understanding and 
sympathy can lighten the burdens that Nature 
has imposed upon women. 

Unless a husband possesses some knowledge 
of sexual physiology, the psychology of women 
and the rules of conjugal health, he cannot be 
a truly sympathetic and understanding com¬ 
panion and counselor. A single error in matri¬ 
monial conduct may cause misunderstanding, and 
even a loss of affection, or produce physical and 
mental trouble in one partner or the other. 
There are some masculine blunders that women 
can scarcely forgive. Therefore the art of 
happy marriage consists in a comprehension of 
the partner’s idiosyncrasy, and it is important to 
remember that there is great variation in erotic 
temperament. 

Compulsory sex union is contrary to the law 
of Nature. A wife must be the owner and the 
mistress of her own body. All sexual coercion 
is menacing to the happiness and the health of a 
married couple. Love must be a free, voluntary 
gift, offered joyously. The woman broken in 
health, and prematurely aged and faded through 
the indiscretions or culpable ignorance of a hus¬ 
band, is a sad reflection upon our morality, 
chivalry and respect for human rights. The 
matrimonial bark is certain to encounter reefs, 
shoals and storms in its twenty or forty years 
of sailing on the troubled waters of human life. 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 115 


These dangers can only be weathered by knowl¬ 
edge and sympathy. 

When I write “indiscretions,” I refer to the 
common mistakes of husbands who imagine that 
a vague faculty or intuition called “instinct” will 
serve them in the inevitable difficulties of mar¬ 
riage. There is a case recorded of an ignorant 
and egoistic man who avowed that Nature had 
gifted him with a great capacity for parentage, 
and that it was his destiny to fulfill fatherhood to 
the extent of his procreative power. This semi¬ 
imbecile was the progenitor of a very large family 
of degenerates. Some of his offspring were 
epileptic, some insane and intemperate, and one 
or two showed criminal and vicious tendencies. 
In every case the members of this undesirable 
family were physically and mentally defective. 
Such is the outcome of following “instinct” un¬ 
directed by reason and a moral sense. 

We often see women and children who have 
been sacrificed on the altar of matrimony. 
Wives are made invalids by excessive child-bear¬ 
ing, too frequent pregnancies and a constant 
drain on the vital forces. The children of those 
unfortunate women are frequently puny, subject 
to rickets and other ailments, and handicapped in 
the struggle of life. I have warned you that 
there are serious risks to health in the over-pro¬ 
duction of offspring. When a woman is recover¬ 
ing from a confinement, and using up her reserve 
strength in the suckling of an infant, she should 


116 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


be safeguarded against all risks to her health of 
body and mind. The gestation and the natural 
feeding of a child is a task of two and a half to 
three years. A wife who is impregnated against 
her will is very likely to regard herself as a mere 
agent of her husband’s sensual pleasure. 

The puerperal (child-bearing) life of woman 
may be said to begin at twenty and to end at 
forty. Of course there are many women who 
have borne infants at fifteen or sixteen; but in 
this country girls are not generally fit in all re¬ 
spects for motherhood under the age of twenty 
at the earliest. After forty there is increased 
danger of difficult parturition, and the children 
are not so vigorous as those conceived between 
the age of twenty-five and thirty-five. It has 
been noted that the highest fertility is in mar¬ 
riages that occur when the husband is twenty- 
three and the wife three years older. 

Generally speaking, a young wife does not con¬ 
ceive immediately after marrying. Some time 
is required for adaptation to an entirely new 
phase of the sex life. A large number of con¬ 
ceptions occur within sixteen to twenty-four 
months after marriage. After twenty-five years 
of age wives have to wait longer before bearing 
a child. Between the ages of twenty and 
twenty-five years is perhaps the period of highest 
fertility in woman. After thirty-five there is a 
decline in the procreative power of women. 
There is a similar slight decline in male fecundity 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 117 

after thirty-five, and a considerable decline after 
forty-five. 

There are various factors in both men and 
women that reduce the reproductive energy. 
Venereal disease is one cause of infertility. 
Chronic excess in alcohol lessens the fertility of 
women. A dissimilarity in physique and tem¬ 
perament between the partners is said to favor 
the chances of fruitfulness. Bad hygiene is a 
common cause of abortion, or miscarriage, and 
also of still-births and premature births. 

A husband can further the health and happi¬ 
ness of his wife by observing the following rules: 
(1) the period of psychic emotion and physical 
inclination in the woman should be ascertained 
before exercising marital duties; (2) there should 
be at least one day of complete rest for wives 
during the monthly cycle, and lessened activity 
for three or four days; (3) during the pregnant 
state the husband should protect his wife from 
care and worry, keep her mind hopeful and 
happy, and encourage her to rest frequently dur¬ 
ing the last stages; (4) after childbirth there 
should be several weeks of repose for the purpose 
of restoring the strained internal organs and the 
nervous system; (5) there should be conjugal 
abstinence during several weeks after delivery; 
(6) during suckling, the husband should strive 
to maintain a serene atmosphere in the home. 
Sexual intercourse is considered as beneficial dur¬ 
ing this period, provided that it is moderate, and 


118 LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN 


does not follow too soon after childbirth; (7) in 
conjugal relations the wife’s emotions and de¬ 
sires should be known and respected; (8) inter¬ 
course for the purpose of conception should occur 
when both parents are in good health, free from 
disturbing or depressing thoughts, unstimulated 
by alcohol, and drawn to one another by strong 
ardor and affection. Both partners should be 
careful to avoid union when fatigued, or when 
one or the other is disinclined; (9)depression of 
the nervous system, despondency, irritability, 
anxious states of mind and probably derange¬ 
ments of nutritional function may arise from un¬ 
satisfactory conjugal intercourse. It is now be¬ 
lieved by many physicians that psychic disturb¬ 
ance in the married frequently results from dis¬ 
harmony in this relation; (10) excess is injurious 
to the nervous and mental organization, and may 
lead in extreme cases to impotence in men and 
infertility in women. Over-indulgence shortens 
the duration of sexual capacity in man and mod¬ 
erate use prolongs it. In all gratifications the 
way of health is in moderation. 

And now, my dear boy. I wish you again 
every happiness in your married life. Give my 
love to Marjorie, and tell her that I shall look 
forward to seeing her and you in England be¬ 
fore very long. If I can help you in any way, 
don’t forget to write to me. 

I hope that I have given you advice that will 
be useful. One cannot treat upon the whole 


ON LOVE AND HEALTH 119 


question of marital hygiene in a single letter. If 
you are in doubt at any time, don’t fail to write 
to me at once. I am delighted that you have 
won the love of a girl after your own heart. I 
don’t doubt that you will be a good husband. 
Always your affectionate 

Uncle. 


THE END 





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